You Know How to Fight.
You Know How to Win.

So why does it feel like losing?

Everybody calm down!

If you’re tired of fighting with your partner and feeling worse afterward—this post is for you.

We’ve all learned how to fight.
No, I don’t mean Krav Maga. Not karate. And not food fights à la Animal House.

I’m talking about the relationship stuff—the tried-and-true guerrilla (and open warfare) tactics we picked up growing up.

You probably absorbed your first conflict style without even knowing it—sitting at the dinner table as a kid, listening to adults slam doors, simmer in silence, or ramble about problems no one even remembered two hours later.

Maybe in your house, no one raised their voice—but no one talked about anything real, either.
Maybe “winning” meant controlling the narrative.
Maybe it meant disappearing.

However it looked, it became the foundation for your playbook.
And whether you were the loud one, the wallflower, or the peacemaker, chances are good you’re still using a version of that playbook today.

The Problem:
Those “Skills” Don’t Work When Both People Matter.

They may have helped you survive childhood—but they don’t help you build a loving, caring relationship.

Here’s how they fail:

  • If you fight to win, the relationship loses.

  • If you avoid all conflict, nothing ever gets resolved.

  • If you stay silent to keep the peace, your resentment will find its way out eventually—probably sideways.

So: what does work?

Let’s reframe what conflict actually brings us.

Conflict Isn’t a Battle to Win.
It’s an Invitation to Understand.

Yeah, I know—easier said than done.

But if you can move from me vs. you to us vs. the problem, something shifts.
Curiosity opens up.
Defensiveness starts to drop.
You stop keeping score and start asking better questions.

Like:

  • What’s actually bothering you?

  • What’s underneath the anger?

  • What are we each afraid of losing?

  • What needs aren’t being met?

  • What are we really arguing about?

The “fight” becomes a conversation.

We decide that the commitment to the relationship is more important than being right.
We remove ourselves from the roles of judge and prosecutor, and sit with our partner with openness, concern, and just enough bravery to stay in it.

It makes the relationship stronger, not weaker.
It creates safety.
It creates space for authenticity and intimacy.

The Truth About “Healthy” Couples

Some people think that happy couples never argue.
That’s a myth.

Put two humans under the same roof long enough, and sparks will fly.
Conflict isn’t the problem—unspoken conflict is.
Or worse: conflict that goes unresolved, festers, and turns into contempt.

Here’s the real secret: conflict can be a gift.

A chance to learn more about your partner.
A chance to practice honesty.
A chance to grow closer—not further apart.

The Next Time You Argue…

Treat it like a signal, not a threat. Ask yourself:

  • What am I really feeling?

  • What is my partner trying to show me?

  • How can we both walk away from this feeling more connected—not less?

And hey, maybe wait ’til morning.

Have some coffee. Or tea. Or a croissant the size of your face.
Start the day with kindness.
Then roll up your sleeves and get to work—together.

Because in the end:

The goal isn’t to win the fight. It’s to make sure there’s still someone holding you close when it’s over.