Guest Post by Steven Kilmann, LMFT, MD
When someone begins the journey of healing, it’s often because past pain has started to echo into their present—especially in their closest relationships.
I know this firsthand.
After surviving childhood abuse, I struggled for years to feel truly safe with anyone.
Even when I found someone kind and patient, I couldn’t let my guard down.
Everything felt like a potential threat—an argument, a misunderstood text, even a surprise hug.
Trauma has a way of making your nervous system feel like it’s constantly on red alert, even when there’s no real danger anymore.
That’s the hard truth: trauma changes how we connect with others.
It interrupts our ability to trust, to be vulnerable, and to feel secure in love.
And these effects don’t go away just because we’ve found the “right” person.
If this sounds familiar, working with the right therapist – a therapist trained and experienced in the ways trauma impacts relationships – can make a world of difference.
They help untangle the past from the present, so love doesn’t always feel like a battlefield.
Trauma and the Body: Why Safety Comes First
Before we even think about love, the body wants to feel safe.
But trauma—especially developmental trauma—rewires our brain and nervous system.
It’s like driving a car with the brakes stuck on.
You want to move forward, but something’s always holding you back.
This internal braking system shows up in relationships as shutdowns, dissociation, and withdrawal.
Or, on the flip side, it can look like panic, rage, and hypervigilance.
These reactions aren’t choices—they’re survival strategies.
If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I don’t know why I reacted like that”, you’re not alone.
The truth is, your body probably responded before your brain even had time to catch up.
That’s why somatic approaches in therapy are often crucial.
A good trauma-informed therapist will focus on restoring regulation—helping the body relearn what calm and connection feel like.
Because love can’t thrive where safety is missing.
The Invisible Impact on Communication
One of the most subtle ways trauma affects relationships is in how we speak and listen.
I used to assume people were mad at me even when they weren’t.
A neutral tone of voice? I’d hear judgment.
A pause in conversation? I’d assume rejection.
Trauma primes us to expect harm, even when there’s none.
This makes honest communication incredibly difficult.
We either silence ourselves to avoid conflict, or we speak from a place of defense.
That’s why so many trauma survivors feel misunderstood or isolated—even in long-term relationships.
Therapists trained in trauma recovery often use attachment-based methods to repair this.
They assist clients in identifying triggers and provide tools to respond rather than react.
Over time, that rewiring builds emotional resilience—and relationships that can weather conflict instead of collapsing under it.
Intimacy Triggers: When Touch Isn’t Comforting
For many trauma survivors, physical touch—something that should be soothing—can become complicated.
This is especially true if the trauma involved the body or boundaries being violated.
Even something as simple as cuddling can feel threatening.
I once dated someone who couldn’t understand why I froze every time he touched my back unexpectedly.
It wasn’t about him—it was about memories my body hadn’t let go of.
This is where trauma-informed couples therapy can help both partners.
It creates a language around triggers, so there’s less shame and confusion.
You learn to ask for what you need, whether it’s slower pacing, more verbal reassurance, or clear physical boundaries.
And in doing that, you reclaim agency over your own body.
You redefine what safety feels like—on your terms.
Why Relationships Often Feel “Too Much” or “Not Enough”
One common pattern I’ve seen—and lived—is the cycle of pushing people away just when they get close.
You crave intimacy but panic when it shows up.
Or you feel nothing when someone finally gives you the love you wanted.
This push-pull dynamic is often rooted in attachment wounds.
If your early relationships taught you that love equals danger, then closeness becomes confusing.
Healing this isn’t about just “thinking positively.”
It takes repeated, safe relational experiences—often beginning in the therapy room.
A skilled trauma recovery specialist will model the kind of consistent, nonjudgmental presence that helps reset your attachment system.
From there, you learn how to tolerate closeness without feeling overwhelmed.
And slowly, connection starts to feel possible again.
Real-Life Healing Is Messy—But Worth It
I won’t sugarcoat it.
Healing from trauma is uncomfortable, especially when it touches your romantic life.
It brings up grief for the versions of love you didn’t get.
It forces you to confront old beliefs like “I’m too much” or “I’m unlovable.”
But it also opens the door to new possibilities.
I’ve seen people go from being emotionally shut down to laughing freely with a partner.
I’ve watched someone who thought they could “never trust again” walk down the aisle.
That kind of growth doesn’t happen overnight.
But with the right guidance, it’s absolutely possible.
The Role of a Therapist in Relationship Healing
A trauma recovery therapist does more than just talk through your past.
They guide you in real-time through the relational patterns that are playing out today.
They notice when you shut down, help you unpack why, and offer new ways of relating that feel safer.
They don’t just analyze—they attune.
They provide a reparative relationship that lays the foundation for healthier ones outside the therapy room.
And if you’re partnered, they can help your loved one understand what trauma does to the brain, body, and heart.
That kind of education builds empathy—and empathy builds intimacy.
Healing Isn’t Linear, But It’s Possible
You might still have days where love feels unsafe.
Where trust feels fragile and your instincts tell you to retreat.
That’s normal.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone who’s “never triggered.”
It’s about learning how to stay present when you are.
It’s about knowing that you’re more than your trauma—and that your relationships can reflect that too.
If you have trauma in your history, know that your past is very likely impacting your present, and not in a good way. Working with a therapist that understands the impact of trauma on relationships has helped countless people move from survival mode into connection.
And you deserve that kind of love—safe, honest, and rooted in your healing.
Steven Kilmann, LMFT, MD, began his career in medicine after studying psy
chology at the University of Michigan and earning his medical degree from USC, ultimately serving over a decade as a physician at Cedars-Sinai. After facing burnout and addiction during a creative pivot, his journey through recovery led him to his true purpose—supporting others as a licensed therapist with a Master’s in Psychology from Antioch University.
Deep breathing is proven to help people feel better and live better. Even so, many people find that it doesn’t work for them. If you’ve tried deep breathing but can’t make it work, this article is for you. It’s broken into two parts – the theory of it, which explains how it works, and the practice of it, which explains how to do it. I’m including how it works – the ways it changes your body’s response to “triggers” – because understanding the mechanics of deep breathing may help you get better results from the how to do it section which follows.
