Category: Lifestyle Choices

Is who you are on the inside the same as who you are on the outside?

When Do You Talk About the “Horny Factor” in Dating?

They should have talked sooner.

One of the most difficult and intractable problems I see in my practice has to do with desire discrepancy, AKA mismatched libidos, AKA the “horny factor.”

When one partner wants more sex and the other doesn’t, sometimes it can be resolved—or at least significantly improved—because the mismatch is being driven by something else. Relationship problems. Stress. Depression. Medications. Hormonal changes. Illness. Exhaustion. Pregnancy. Menopause. Parenting. Resentment. Bad sex. You get the idea.

Sometimes, though, you can work through all that stuff and discover something less fixable: one partner simply wants more sex than the other.

People vary in their baseline levels of sexual desire. Sometimes by a lot.

This puts pressure on both partners, no matter which side of the mismatch you’re on. Yes, there are interventions. Yes, couples can learn to negotiate differences. But therapy cannot guarantee that two people who have substantially different levels of sexual desire are eventually going to want the same amount of sex.

Which brings me to my point: the time to talk about desire is before you’re committed, not after.

The Biological Reality

The messages we get about sex are so convoluted that we don’t have the skills or inclination to talk about the horny factor.

Here’s what you need to know: sexual desire isn’t a personality trait, a moral stance, or proof of how much someone loves their partner. It’s biopsychosocial — meaning a lot of different systems contribute to it, and some of those systems can change while others tend to stay relatively stable.

Some parts of sexual desire can be affected by life circumstances. Stress, resentment, relationship quality, trauma recovery, attachment security, medications, hormones, sleep, novelty, attraction, and sexual communication can all influence desire. You can’t snap your fingers and change these things, and some of them shift slowly or indirectly. But when life or the relationship improves, desire often moves with it — and therapy can help with many of the factors that shape desire over time.

Other aspects of desire are more stable over time. Temperament, reward sensitivity, baseline arousal patterns, and how readily someone responds to erotic cues can differ substantially from person to person. These differences may not change very much just because the relationship improves.

And here’s the part couples often struggle with: Two perfectly healthy people can love each other, be attracted to each other, have good sex, and have a good relationship — and still not want the same amount of sex. It’s nothing more than another way we humans differ from each other — the same way we vary in energy levels, appetite, or need for sleep.

You can work on the responsive parts of desire — the stress, the resentment, the communication, the sleep, the relationship dynamics — and still discover that your partner’s baseline sexual desire is different from yours. Not wrong. Not broken. Just different.

And that’s why this matters in dating. Because if desire differences can be significant, and if some of those differences are simply part of how people vary, then waiting until you’re deeply attached to explore those differences is a risky strategy.

That’s why the conversation belongs in dating, not “later.” Even if it feels awkward.

Yeah, I Am SOOOO Not Bringing This Up on a Date!

Sex is a taboo topic. We feel our way through it (see what I did there? Ha, ha.) But because of the taboo, we delay sexual compatibility conversations:

waiting until marriage
waiting until engagement
waiting until “we’re serious”
waiting until “we trust each other”
assuming desire will magically align
assuming love will override major differences

The problem is that once you’re emotionally attached—once you’ve bonded, once you’ve built a shared future in your head—discovering a major libido mismatch is not just inconvenient.

It’s painful.

So unless you’re hoping to spend your relationship either not getting enough sex, or feeling constantly pressured for it, or eventually facing a massive and miserable breakup, you’ve got to talk about it. There’s also the slow‑burn option: years of resentment quietly piling up until the relationship feels like a chore. You can always go that route.

Otherwise, like I said, you can talk about it.

So When Do You Talk About It?

Let’s be practical. You don’t put libido in your dating profile. Profiles are for values, humor, and vibe. Talking sex too soon is a turnoff, and to many, a red flag.

You don’t bring it up in early texting either. That’s too soon, too contextless, and too easily misread.

The longer you date, the more attached you become. You’ve begun imagining a future. You’ve invested in the relationship. And the more you have to lose, the easier it becomes to avoid asking questions when you might not like the answer.

So here’s my rule of thumb: talk about it before you become sexually active OR somewhere around the three-month mark—whichever comes first.

Three months isn’t some magical neurobiological deadline. Your brain does not sound an alarm on Day 91. It’s a practical rule of thumb.

That doesn’t mean you should interrogate someone about how many times a week they intend to have sex for the next forty years.

For one thing, they don’t know.

How to Talk About It
(Without Making It Weird)

You don’t need a dramatic conversation. You don’t need charts. You don’t need to rehearse. You just need a simple, honest way to open the door. Something like:

“Seems like we might be heading toward sex. It’s important to me that my partner and I are compatible around this. My own level of sexual desire tends to be [higher/lower/steady], and I think it’s worth talking about before we get too far down the road.”

That’s a start.

Frequency isn’t the only thing worth talking about. How important is sex to you in a relationship? How often do you tend to want it once a relationship is established? Does desire tend to just show up for you, or does it usually emerge after affection or sexual contact has already started? What turns desire off? What helps it along? How do you handle it when one person wants sex and the other doesn’t?

And while you’re already sitting here having the awkward conversation, this is probably a pretty good time to talk about sexual preferences, kinks, monogamy or non-monogamy, and anything else that could become a gigantic surprise later.

The important thing is to be honest—with the person you’re dating, but also with yourself. If something matters to you, say so. Don’t leave it off the table because you’re afraid it might scare the other person away. Don’t assume you’ll bring it up “later,” once the relationship feels safer. And definitely don’t assume your partner will somehow intuit an unspoken need and adapt to it.

Sex is one of the ways we connect, express affection, feel desired, and feel known. If something about your sexual life is important to you, leaving it unspoken doesn’t make it less important. It just means you may not discover the incompatibility until you have a whole lot more invested.

Don’t think of the conversation as “weird.” Think of it as two adults acknowledging that sex is probably going to matter in their relationship and comparing notes before the stakes get considerably higher.

The Closing Note

Desire discrepancy shows up in long-term relationships all the time. It’s not rare, it’s not shameful, and it’s not a sign that anyone did anything wrong. And talking about it early doesn’t guarantee lifelong sexual compatibility.

People change. Bodies change. Hormones change. Health changes. Medications change. Pregnancy happens. Menopause happens. Kids happen. Stress happens. Grief happens. Relationships themselves change. Two people who are beautifully matched sexually at 28 may have some negotiating to do at 48.

But that’s very different from beginning a relationship with a significant discrepancy already staring you in the face and avoiding talking about it.

So talk early. Talk before you’re deeply attached. Find out how this other human being experiences desire—and let them know how you experience yours.

You aren’t negotiating a sexual contract for the next forty years. You’re trying to find out whether the two of you are starting from somewhere reasonably compatible.

And if you discover that you’re not, take that seriously. Dating is the time to discover incompatibilities. It’s the time to remember that in real life, love and commitment do not conquer all. Don’t knowingly marry a major sexual incompatibility and call it a future therapy problem.

It’s not about being bold. It’s about being kind to your future self.

Here’s a Crazy Idea: Have a Good Time

Nobody comes into my office saying, “We don’t laugh together anymore.”

But it’s not news that we’re living in heavy times. We’re surrounded by anger, fear, anxiety, and conflict. Many of us have cut back on the daily “news,” but still—it’s hard not to get splashed.

And whatever we feed on becomes part of us.

It shows up in our tone, our patience, our reactions—and ultimately, our relationships.

Here’s what does come into my office:

small fights becoming big, even when they’re about “nothing”
a loss of felt safety
breakdowns in trust

Those are not separate problems.
They’re the same problem.

Sometimes the Way Back Is Not Through “Deep Work”

Here’s something that surprises people:

When a relationship is strained, you don’t always have to rebuild it through hard work and processing old hurts.

Sometimes you can rebuild it through:

play
shared experiences
laughter

In other words—you rebuild connection by remembering how to enjoy each other again.

That doesn’t mean avoiding problems.
It means creating enough safety and warmth so the problems can actually be addressed.

No one opens up when everything feels heavy.

If you want more on rebuilding connection through play, you can find it here: Let’s Play!

Laughter Is Not Frivolous — It’s Functional

Research backs this up:

laughter lowers stress
reduces anxiety
improves physical health
increases bonding

But in relationships, it does something even more important:

It lowers defensiveness.

It creates moments where:

you’re not opponents
you’re not solving
you’re just… together

It’s obvious when you think about it.
It’s just that most of us don’t think about it.

If You Want More Laughter, You Have to Create It

Laughter doesn’t just show up in adult life.
You have to make room for it.

Here are a few ways to start:

Do Something Slightly Ridiculous

Adults optimize for efficiency. Kids optimize for fun.

Break the pattern:

go to a weird event
try something new
say yes to something you normally wouldn’t

Novelty creates laughter.

Borrow From a 9-Year-Old

Seriously.

Ask:
“What would a 9-year-old do here?”

Then do some version of that.

Make the pancake smiley face
Add the extra bubbles
Be more playful than necessary

It doesn’t have to be big.
It just has to be different.

Start a “Laugh File”

Save things that make you laugh:

memes
videos
random observations

Then share them.

Better yet, make it a small daily ritual:
“What made you laugh today?”

You’ll be surprised how quickly that shifts the tone.

Notice What’s Funny in Real Life

Your phone gives you a curated feed of other people’s lives.

Look up.

Pay attention to:

odd signs
strange phrasing
human quirks

The world is full of weird little moments that can lift your mood and create connection.

But first—you have to see them.

Build Inside Jokes

Do you and your partner have shared jokes, phrases, or observations?

If not, it’s worth creating them.

Gottman’s research shows that relationships with a strong bank of positive shared memories are more resilient over time. When those memories are mostly negative, the opposite is true.

Even difficult experiences can generate moments of humor—small phrases or observations that become part of your language.

That language becomes glue.

Curate your shared memories.
Build something that belongs just to the two of you.

What You Practice, You Spread

Emotions are contagious.

If you’re steeped in:

anger
anxiety
negativity

That will spread.

But so will:

laughter
warmth
lightness

You don’t control the world.
But you do have influence over what you bring into your relationship.

When the outside world spills into your relationship, fun, laughter, and play tend to leave.
And when they leave, connection is usually not far behind.

Bring On the Laughter

You don’t need to be funnier.
You don’t need to be a comedian.

You just need to be willing to create moments that are not heavy.

Because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do for your relationship is this:

Stop trying to fix everything… and go have a good time together.

If things feel stuck, tense, or distant, this isn’t a distraction from the work.

It may be the easiest doorway back into connection.

P.S. — You Can’t Do Both at the Same Time

One more thing.

It’s all well and good to say, “Have more fun, laugh more, lighten up.”
But the world has a way of pushing in—hard.

Many of us try to do both at once:
Stay engaged with the headlines… and be fully present with our partner.
Hold outrage… and hold connection.

That sounds reasonable. It isn’t.

Those are different emotional states, and they pull in opposite directions.

One asks you to be:

alert
defended
ready to respond

The other asks you to be:

open
relaxed
emotionally available

You cannot be both at the same time.
If you try, you’ll end up doing neither well.

So make your commitments.

Care about the world. Show up. Stay informed.
And also—build a strong, connected relationship.

Both matter.

But don’t try to do them simultaneously.

When you’re with your partner, treat that time as protected space—maybe even sacred.
Put down the outrage. Step out of the noise. Let yourself soften.

And when you step back into the world, do so with clarity and intention.

Connection and vigilance require different parts of you.
Give each of them its own time.

6 Things You Have to Do If You’re in a Polyamorous Relationship

Polyamory isn’t a free-for-all. It runs on honesty, emotional intelligence, and calendars. When it works, it’s expansive, connective, and healing. When it breaks down, it’s usually because someone skipped one of these:

Communicate Until It’s Boring

More people = more chances for misalignment. “Good communication” doesn’t just mean talking a lot — it means being assertive (even when it’s hard) and attuned (especially when it’s hard). That means sharing what’s real for you — whether you’re in love, in lust, or in pain — and tuning in to your partners’ feelings, not just their words.

Define What Counts as Cheating

Open ≠ poly ≠ monogamish. One partner might think hooking up with someone new is no big deal — the other might call it betrayal. Just because you’re non-monogamous doesn’t mean you’re on the same page. Spell out what’s in bounds, what’s out, and what happens if someone crosses the line.

And be specific: for some, sex without emotional connection is fine — but emotional intimacy with someone else might feel like a breach. Others are the opposite. Clarify it. Early and often.

Own Your Jealousy Without Blame

Jealousy isn’t a flaw — it’s information. It might signal a need for reassurance, a broken agreement, or an old wound asking for care. Don’t shame it. Don’t weaponize it. Instead, get curious: What story is being told? What story is being heard?

Handled with honesty and explored with curiosity, jealousy can bring the kind of clarity, communication, and closeness that make relationships better.

Bow to the Calendar Gods

Yes, everyone has a calendar — but in poly, your calendar becomes a living, breathing statement of values. Time is one of the clearest ways we express love, prioritize connection, and build trust. If you’re not thoughtful about how time is shared, someone’s going to feel like leftovers. Scheduling also protects solo time, prevents burnout, and avoids last-minute emotional landmines. Good calendaring isn’t overkill — it’s part of how consent and consideration show up in daily life.

Do Your Inner Work

Poly can bring up your “stuff”: insecurity, fear of abandonment, people-pleasing, control. Even if you think you’re immune, you’re probably not. If you don’t tend to your emotional backpack, you’ll end up handing it to someone else — probably a partner you care about. Do your work. Therapy helps. Journaling helps. Honest conversations with yourself help. Don’t outsource your healing to the people you’re dating.

Power Without Awareness Is Just Pressure

Whether or not you’re into kink, polyamory often echoes power dynamics — who initiates, who decides, who leads. Too often, one partner (usually the more experienced or confident one) sets the pace while another quietly tries to keep up. Especially in D/s or top/bottom dynamics, this can get messy fast. Just because someone says yes doesn’t mean they’re not overextending themselves to stay close.

If your desire feels like a freight train, check who’s on the tracks. A “yes” is good — but an enthusiastic, informed yes with real buy-in? That’s where the magic happens.

Want your poly relationships to thrive?

Then go beyond rules and roles. Speak up. Listen close. Let communication and calendars build trust. Define your lines — and respect them. Let jealousy teach you something useful. Do your own work so your partners don’t have to carry it.

And if you’re holding power, use it with care. Because the point isn’t just freedom.
It’s depth. It’s joy. It’s connection — chosen, earned, and real.

Relationships and Power

In therapy, I often hear frustration from people who feel their partner is overly controlling or stifling, preventing them from being their true selves. Lately, the buzzword seems to be “narcissist,” but relationship dynamics are rarely that simple.

Healthy relationships rely on mutual respect and balance. Many of us unknowingly carry patterns from our families into romantic relationships. Perhaps we learned that love comes from being quiet, compliant, or pleasing. Or maybe the only way to gain attention was to dominate and control. Both roles carry significant risks.

If you’re consistently compliant and pleasing, you’ll eventually feel invisible and resentful. Even dedicated people-pleasers reach a breaking point of exhaustion. Conversely, always trying to control outcomes leaves you frustrated and disappointed, because life—and partners—rarely align perfectly with expectations.

Power dynamics in relationships are often subtle and unspoken, marked by quiet manipulations—what I call “the iron fist in the velvet glove.” Many individuals fear pushing back or speaking up, believing it might risk their relationship. Yet, suppressing your voice long-term inevitably leads to resentment, tension, and mistrust.

Power exchanges can be healthy if openly discussed and consensual, with both partners feeling genuinely valued. Regardless of the dynamic, mutual appreciation and authenticity are essential.

There’s no single formula for a perfect relationship; each one is uniquely shaped by the individuals involved. However, relationships fail when only one partner is truly seen and heard.

If you habitually defer, start advocating for yourself in small ways—express your preferences, set boundaries, and speak honestly. Though initially uncomfortable, these actions can greatly strengthen your sense of self and the relationship itself.

Conversely, if controlling outcomes leaves you exhausted, consider stepping back and letting go of expectations. The relief you feel might surprise you.

As Abraham Lincoln famously said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Relationships, too, depend on unity, authenticity, and mutual respect to thrive.