Luis Maimoni, LMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist in Long Beach, California

Category: Infidelity

Should You Tell Your Partner the Truth?

Truth is in the box

The truth is in the box. Now what?

A client recently asked me whether he should tell his partner that he had continued using porn after promising to stop.

He felt guilty and powerless, and he didn’t know what to do. Should he tell his partner? On the surface, the question sounded simple.

This isn’t a post about whether pornography is good or bad. Different couples have different agreements, and that’s one of the many things that keeps my job interesting.

Some couples watch pornography together. Some are comfortable with solo use. Some don’t want pornography in the relationship at all. Some distinguish between anonymous pornography and interactive platforms like OnlyFans. Others find highly immersive, first‑person—or “POV”—pornography especially troubling because it is designed to feel personal.

Those boundaries belong to the couple, not to me. Within broad limits, I’m not going to tell you what should or shouldn’t be allowed in your relationship. My job is to help people understand the agreements they’ve made and support them as they address the fallout when those agreements are broken.

If the broken promise had involved gambling, drinking, secret spending, an emotional affair, or texting an ex, my framework would have been much the same. The behavior matters, of course. But from a relationship perspective, the larger question is what happens after we’ve broken an important agreement with someone we love.

First Question:
Why Do You Want to Disclose?

He asked whether he should tell his partner. I asked him why he wanted to.

That may sound like an odd place to begin, but the motivation behind disclosure matters.

Sometimes the motivation is to rebuild trust. A person wants to honor the agreement, stop living in secrecy, accept responsibility, and invite the partner into the recovery process.

Other times, the motivation is to escape the guilt and pressure. The person wants forgiveness and relief. By bringing the partner into the problem through disclosure, the emotional burden no longer has to be carried alone.

Both situations begin with truth and disclosure. But one is primarily about helping the relationship. The other is primarily about helping yourself.

And before you decide, it’s worth remembering something else: disclosure doesn’t land in a vacuum. It lands in your partner. It lands in the relationship. It can be destabilizing, confusing, or frightening for the person who thought the agreement was intact.

So when you ask yourself, Who is this disclosure really meant to help? take a moment to imagine the conversation from your partner’s side of the table. What will this mean for them? What will it mean for the relationship? The decision deserves a little thoughtfulness and a little love.

Guilt often points us toward something important. But it doesn’t always point toward the right timing or the right conversation.

Second Question:
Are You Ready for the Conversation That Comes Next?

Many people think the hardest part is saying, “I need to tell you something.”

If only.

Your partner is going to have questions.

Why did this happen? Why now? What were you getting from it? Is there something missing in our relationship? How do I know it won’t happen again?

If your only answer is, “I don’t know,” you’ve been honest about what happened, but your partner is unlikely to feel relieved by the disclosure. You have now asked them to carry the uncertainty surrounding something you cannot yet explain yourself.

Sometimes that is unavoidable. We do not always understand ourselves immediately.

Sometimes, though, a thoughtful pause serves the relationship. Waiting can have a purpose: understanding what happened so you can answer your partner’s questions honestly and fully. Hiding also has a purpose, but a different one: avoiding the conversation altogether.

If you want to disclose but do not yet have the answers you will need, you might say:

“I need to talk with you about something important. Before I do, I want to spend a little time understanding why it happened so I can answer your questions as honestly as I can.”

Be prepared to explain what you are doing to find those answers. At some point, you will also need to explain why you broke the commitment.

Behaviors usually survive because they are addressing some problem. Understanding that problem explains the behavior; it does not excuse it. When you disclose, you are signing up for a later conversation that may be quite raw. That is one reason people postpone it or avoid it altogether.

We are all imperfect people. Your partner signed up for an imperfect partner when they chose you, just as you did when you chose them.

Reaching a place of raw honesty can be deeply healing for both people. But that healing usually begins only when the problem is faced with as much courage and honesty as both partners can muster.

Third Question:
Why Did You Do It?

Whether we are talking about pornography, gambling, drinking, or an affair, it is essential to understand what role the behavior has been playing.

Was it a way to escape stress? Cope with loneliness? Soothe anxiety? Feel desired? Avoid difficult emotions?

Once we understand what the behavior has been doing for someone, we have a much better chance of helping that person find healthier ways to meet the same needs.

That understanding also creates the possibility of a more meaningful conversation with the partner.

“I broke my promise” is important. Necessary, as they say, but not sufficient.

The conversation must eventually continue:

“Here is what I have learned about why I broke it, what I am doing differently, and how I plan to protect our relationship going forward.”

That is how trust begins to grow again.

Honesty matters. Accountability matters. But in my experience, understanding is what turns a confession into the beginning of repair.

So if you ever find yourself asking, Should I tell my partner? I would encourage you to slow down long enough to ask three questions:

What agreement did I break? Who is this disclosure really meant to help? Am I ready to answer the questions that naturally follow?

Those questions will not make the conversation easy.

They may, however, make it much more likely to help the relationship you are trying to repair.

I Think My Partner Is Cheating—Do I Confront Them or Wait?

 

Short answer: neither.
Longer answer: you need a better question.

Most people jump to one of two options:

  • Confront and “win” the argument
  • Wait and hope the feeling goes away

Did you notice that neither of those options offers hope for a relationship that feels stable, honest, and connected?

So let’s slow this down and move to a better question.

What Do You Actually Want?

Be honest. Are you looking to be “right?” Or do you want to feel secure in your relationship?

When we’re worried, our fight-or-flight system kicks in. Our instincts push us to confront—hard—or avoid—completely.

Building a better relationship requires something different.

Shift Your Focus

Your brain may be churning with “what ifs” about your partner. You’ll have a better foundation if you start with yourself.

What are you actually feeling?

  • Disconnected
  • Anxious
  • Suspicious
  • Rejected
  • Angry
  • Hurt
  • Lonely
  • Unseen

We tend to dismiss feelings and chase “evidence.” And yes, sometimes there is clear evidence—messages, receipts, unexplained absences. When it’s obvious, it’s obvious.

But most of the time, it’s not.

More often, emotions start shaping the story. We connect dots that may or may not belong together.

False positives happen. Past hurt, insecurity, or disconnection can fill in the gaps with worst-case assumptions.

And also: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean something isn’t actually wrong.

So don’t dismiss your feelings—but don’t treat them as facts either.

Take a page from statistics: don’t chase outliers—look for patterns.

  • They seem less present
  • Conversations feel shallow or avoidant
  • Something just feels… off

That matters. But it’s not proof.

Then: Look at the Relationship

If you’re worried about an affair, there’s a lot you don’t know—and may never know. But you can assess your connection with your partner.

Here’s why: relationship researcher John Gottman found that affairs often grow in relationships where partners avoid conflicts, or create emotional distance under stress.

So ask:

  • What’s not being talked about?
  • Where are the gaps?

Then go find out.

Not with an interrogation—but with a spirit of exploration and curiosity.

How to Talk Without Blowing It Up

If you come in hot—accusations, cross-examination, “Where were you?”—you’ll get defensiveness at best, dishonesty at worst.

More likely, you’ll just get another version of the same fight you’ve already had.

Instead, try this:

“I’ve been feeling disconnected and a little worried about us. Can we talk about what’s been going on?”

Maybe you think that question is too “soft.” Like you should call out the “elephant in the room.” Let’s break that down.

What About Just Asking Directly?

You can.

But understand what you’re asking.

If someone is having an affair, dishonesty is already part of the situation. A direct question doesn’t guarantee a direct answer.

That doesn’t mean never ask.
It means don’t expect that question alone to resolve your uncertainty.

The Real Data You’re Looking For

You’ve approached this with curiosity instead of accusation. Now it’s time to watch what happens.

Pay attention to:

  • Do they make time for the conversation?
  • Are they present, or distracted?
  • Do they make eye contact?
  • Are they open, or guarded?
  • Curious, or dismissive?

This is your answer key.

The best indicator of how engaged your partner is is how they engage when you reach for them.

And if they’re not engaged—then you have the answer you need.

The affair, if there is one, is just one more layer of disengagement. It doesn’t make the question irrelevant—but it does put it in context.

By The Way

A lot of people look to sex as the indicator:

“If they were cheating, our sex life would be worse.”

Not necessarily.

Research shows some people report equal—or even improved—sex at home during an affair.

So don’t use that as your compass. Look at the emotional connection instead.

So… Confront or Wait?

Neither.

Waiting is avoidance.
Confrontation is escalation.

If you want to improve your relationship:

  • Get curious
  • Get honest about your experience
  • Invite your partner into a real conversation

And If You’re Thinking “I’m Done…”

Be honest about that too.

If you’re thinking, “If they’re cheating, I’m out,” then give real thought to whether you want to stay in this relationship at all.

Because at that point, the question isn’t “Are they cheating?”

It’s “Is this working for me?”

Final Thought

If you think your partner is cheating, the underlying issue is trust and connection.

The affair—if it exists—is a problem. But it’s not happening in a vacuum.

If you’re having these thoughts, something in the relationship isn’t working the way it needs to—whether there’s an affair or not.

And that’s where your leverage is.

Not in proving something.
Not in catching something.

In deciding what kind of relationship you want—and what you’re willing to do to build it. Because once you open this door, the question stops being:

“Are they cheating?”

And becomes:

“What kind of relationship am I in… and is it one I want to keep building?”

That answer comes from you first.

Then—if you’re willing—from both of you.

6 Things You Have to Do If You’re in a Polyamorous Relationship

Polyamory isn’t a free-for-all. It runs on honesty, emotional intelligence, and calendars. When it works, it’s expansive, connective, and healing. When it breaks down, it’s usually because someone skipped one of these:

  1. Communicate Until It’s Boring

More people = more chances for misalignment. “Good communication” doesn’t just mean talking a lot — it means being assertive (even when it’s hard) and attuned (especially when it’s hard). That means sharing what’s real for you — whether you’re in love, in lust, or in pain — and tuning in to your partners’ feelings, not just their words.

  1. Define What Counts as Cheating

Open ≠ poly ≠ monogamish. One partner might think hooking up with someone new is no big deal — the other might call it betrayal. Just because you’re non-monogamous doesn’t mean you’re on the same page. Spell out what’s in bounds, what’s out, and what happens if someone crosses the line.

And be specific: for some, sex without emotional connection is fine — but emotional intimacy with someone else might feel like a breach. Others are the opposite. Clarify it. Early and often.

  1. Own Your Jealousy Without Blame

Jealousy isn’t a flaw — it’s information. It might signal a need for reassurance, a broken agreement, or an old wound asking for care. Don’t shame it. Don’t weaponize it. Instead, get curious: What story is being told? What story is being heard?

Handled with honesty and explored with curiosity, jealousy can bring the kind of clarity, communication, and closeness that make relationships better.

  1. Bow to the Calendar Gods

Yes, everyone has a calendar — but in poly, your calendar becomes a living, breathing statement of values. Time is one of the clearest ways we express love, prioritize connection, and build trust. If you’re not thoughtful about how time is shared, someone’s going to feel like leftovers. Scheduling also protects solo time, prevents burnout, and avoids last-minute emotional landmines. Good calendaring isn’t overkill — it’s part of how consent and consideration show up in daily life.

  1. Do Your Inner Work

Poly can bring up your “stuff”: insecurity, fear of abandonment, people-pleasing, control. Even if you think you’re immune, you’re probably not. If you don’t tend to your emotional backpack, you’ll end up handing it to someone else — probably a partner you care about. Do your work. Therapy helps. Journaling helps. Honest conversations with yourself help. Don’t outsource your healing to the people you’re dating.

  1. Power Without Awareness Is Just Pressure

Whether or not you’re into kink, polyamory often echoes power dynamics — who initiates, who decides, who leads. Too often, one partner (usually the more experienced or confident one) sets the pace while another quietly tries to keep up. Especially in D/s or top/bottom dynamics, this can get messy fast. Just because someone says yes doesn’t mean they’re not overextending themselves to stay close.

If your desire feels like a freight train, check who’s on the tracks. A “yes” is good — but an enthusiastic, informed yes with real buy-in? That’s where the magic happens.

Want your poly relationships to thrive?

Then go beyond rules and roles. Speak up. Listen close. Let communication and calendars build trust. Define your lines — and respect them. Let jealousy teach you something useful. Do your own work so your partners don’t have to carry it.

And if you’re holding power, use it with care. Because the point isn’t just freedom.
It’s depth. It’s joy. It’s connection — chosen, earned, and real.

When Your Gut Says They’re Cheating… Should You Listen?

Therapist considering his gut instinct Is there a one-size-fits-all answer to cheating suspicions? Nope. Not even close. But that doesn’t mean your gut’s useless — just that context is everything.

Let’s start with that “gut feeling.” Should you trust it or write it off as paranoia? That depends on who trained your gut. If you grew up around infidelity or relational chaos, your internal radar might be hyperactive — tuned to false alarms. On the flip side, if you were raised in a world of stable, trustworthy relationships, you might not notice warning signs even if they’re skywriting over your house. So, no, don’t dismiss the gut. But don’t worship it, either. It’s a clue, not a conclusion.

So what should you actually look for?

Ask yourself: Do you know where your partner’s time, energy, and money are going? Are those resources shrinking when it comes to you? Do you know what lights them up, where they’re spending emotional currency? These aren’t accusations — they’re important relationship barometers. If you’re unsure, ask.

Is it ever okay to act on a hunch?

Sure. Just don’t go straight to hiring a PI and downloading spyware. Instead, try: “Hey, I’ve been feeling off — insecure, a little lost. Can we check in about where we stand?” That’s acting on a hunch with curiosity and courage, not suspicion and judgment. Be brave enough to start the conversation.

But how do you do it without seeming distrustful?

Spoiler: if you’re suspicious, you’re already distrustful. Don’t fake trust you don’t have. It doesn’t make you look emotionally mature — it makes you look emotionally manipulative. Own your feelings. If your relationship is healthy, your partner should be able to hear you out without turning it into a courtroom drama.

In summary: Gut feelings deserve respect, but not blind obedience. If your spidey-sense is tingling, know yourself before you confront someone else. Accusations of cheating are serious. But so is letting your anxiety rot the relationship from the inside out. The only thing worse than bringing it up is pretending it’s not there.

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