Everywhere you look, there’s advice on how to “get along with family.”
Keep the peace. Keep it light. Pretend everyone gets along because… “we’re family.”

Right. And I’m the Tooth Fairy.

Here’s what never makes a decorative pillow:
Families are wonderful, messy, loving, infuriating bundles of history and triggers.
Being around them can turn even the most therapized adult into their 10-year-old self in three seconds flat.

You spend years individuating — building a life based on your values — and then you reunite with family and suddenly Dad’s cigar and Uncle Oscar’s fourth-martini politics trigger a suffocated rage you’d forgotten you’d ever felt.

Family gatherings are stressful for plenty of reasons, but here’s one of the biggest ones:
They drop us right back into the places where we once had zero power.
That’s why it may be worthwhile for you to think of boundaries as survival skills for family gatherings.

News Flash! Requests ≠ Boundaries! 

We’re socialized to be nice, and to make polite requests:

  • “Please don’t bring up politics.”
  • “Maybe cut back on the alcohol?”
  • “Can you smoke outside?”

Requests keep the peace in the moment but accomplish very little, because you’re asking someone to stop doing something they’ve been doing for a very long time. Not happening — not because they don’t love you, but because this is who they are. So let’s have a look at what an actual boundary looks like:

Request: “Please stop raising your voice.”
Boundary: “If you raise your voice, I’m stepping away.”

One depends on their cooperation.
The other depends on your spine.

Boundaries don’t control the room. They clarify you — your choices, your comfort, your plan.

Boundary Buffet: Help Yourself!

Instead of:
“Would you please be careful about how much you drink this year?”
Try:
“If things get rowdy, I’m leaving early.”

Instead of:
“Please don’t smoke that cigar.”
Try:
“If there’s smoking indoors, I’ll be outside.”

Instead of:
“Maybe skip the weed at dinner?”
Try:
“If substances come out, I’m out.”

Instead of:
“Let’s avoid politics.”
Try:
“If politics come up, I’ll change the subject or step out.”

Boundaries Aren’t About Them. They’re About You. 

If you’re like most of us, it’s uncomfortable to ask someone to do something that will help us enjoy a family event. Try thinking of it this way:
You’re not controlling others. You’re letting people know how you’ll take care of yourself when certain “family specials” pop up.

Even if you did want to change their behaviors, they’re the only ones who can make that change. So, it can be helpful to reframe the idea of setting a boundary from being about someone else’s behaviors to being about our own – our actions, our limits, and what we’re willing to participate in.

Put another way: You’re not telling people what to do — you’re telling people what you will do.

That’s it. No threats. No ultimatums. Just clarity.

Hosts, Guests — It Doesn’t Matter

Whether dinner is at your place or someone else’s, your boundaries belong to you.

You don’t need permission.
You don’t need consensus.
You don’t need the family vote.

And here’s the kicker: setting boundaries may have consequences. You might not get invited to your nephew’s birthday party. You might miss Uncle Vito heading to the kids’ table to demonstrate his ability to burp the alphabet in one heroic, horrifying go.

But that’s the point: you choose what you endure — or don’t.

The Bottom Line

You cannot fix your family. It’s not your job.
Your job is to take care of yourself in the beautiful, chaotic circus you were born into.

Boundaries make that possible.
They protect your peace.
They create space for real connection — the honest, grounded, sustainable kind.

Everything else is optional.