Luis Maimoni, LMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist in Long Beach, California

Category: Being Assertive

Are you being taken for granted? Do you struggle to ask for what you want and need?

Money: When Self-Worth Is on the Line

Nice watch!

If you’ve ever had a “money fight” with your partner, chances are you weren’t really fighting about the money.

Sure, it might look like a debate over a purchase, a budget, or a bank account — but beneath the surface, money often stands in for something bigger and messier. This Fighting About Money series looks under the hood — uncovering the real emotional fuel driving financial arguments.

Why We Spend the Way We Spend

Sometimes a purchase is just a purchase — a new pair of shoes, a bigger TV, a dinner out.

But just as often, it’s not about the thing itself. It’s about what the thing means to us:

  • A pair of shoes that says, Look at me!
  • A TV so big it says, I deserve to feel like I’m at the game!
  • A fancy dinner out that says, We’re celebrating, woo-hoo!

These aren’t bad impulses; they’re human ones. The trouble comes when the special meaning we gave an item — knowingly or not — runs headlong into our partner’s reaction.

How Shame Gets Pulled Into the Room

When you buy something to validate yourself — the watch, the purse, the car, the splurge dinner — you want your partner to celebrate it with you.

Instead, you hear:

“Do we really need that?”
“That’s too much money.”

In an instant, what felt like fun (and maybe self-care) can turn into self-doubt and resentment. The good feelings are replaced by shame or defensiveness — not because of the item itself, but because your partner has (perhaps unintentionally) invalidated what it meant to you.

The Emotional Math Behind Money

We like to believe our spending decisions are logical.

Mostly, they’re not.

Even in business, after the spreadsheets and scorecards, final decisions often come down to an emotion-based choice between similar options. The difference? At work, your spouse isn’t standing there with a raised eyebrow.

In a relationship, every purchase lives inside a shared emotional space. That space might be:

  • Open and trusting – where curiosity outweighs criticism.
  • Tense and mistrustful – where each purchase feels like a test.
  • A mix of both – like the famous box of chocolates: you never know what you’re going to get.

The Role of Upbringing

Our money habits didn’t start with our current partner. Early messages from family, culture, and past relationships shape how we spend — and how we react to our partner’s spending.

  • If your childhood taught you that spending is indulgent or unsafe, you may hear judgment even when none is intended.
    • If you grew up so resource-strapped you were begging neighbors to pick their weeds so your mom could cook them for dinner, spending might always carry a faint sense of danger, even in good times.
  • If you grew up equating spending with success, being questioned can feel like being told you’re not successful enough.
  • If you grew up with wealth and privilege, you may see spending as natural and unremarkable — which can clash with a partner who treats every dollar as a decision.

Those early experiences don’t disappear when we become adults. They ride along with us — and sometimes, they’re the ones really doing the talking in a money fight.

Practical Takeaways

  • Name the need – Ask yourself: Am I buying this to meet a practical need or an emotional one? Focus not just on what you buy, but why you buy it — and consider whether that “why” is influenced by your early money experiences.
  • Set “no-discussion” thresholds – Agree that purchases under $X don’t require consultation.
  • Separate autonomy from secrecy – Personal spending freedom doesn’t have to mean financial blind spots.
  • Use a values-based budget – Align your spending plan with what matters most to both of you.

Ask This Before Your Next “Money Fight”

  • Is this actually about money? Are we talking about rent money — or resentment money?
  • Is this a values clash? Are we disagreeing about what matters, or about the price tag?
  • Am I buying this to feel worthy? If so, is there a healthier way to meet that need?

Bottom Line

If you’re fighting over a $75 purse when the bills are paid, the fight probably isn’t about the purse. But if the account is empty and someone buys the latest gadget, it may be an attempt to fill a self-worth gap that money can’t actually fill.

Talking openly — even about the shame stuff — can help you both see what’s really at stake. Because if you only ever talk about the dollars, you risk missing the truth hiding underneath.

The Elephant in the Wallet

Shhhh… We Don’t Talk About Money!

We need to talk about money.
Which is awkward, because most of us were taught not to.

It’s a little strange, isn’t it? We spend so much time thinking about money, worrying about it, trying to stretch it. We tell ourselves it’s not what matters most. That it doesn’t define us. Meanwhile, we casually refer to rich people as having a “high net worth.”

Truth is, money touches nearly every part of our lives—identity, security, autonomy, trust, power, love, and sometimes even lust.
But talking about it? That’s where we draw the line.

Ask someone about their income, credit card debt, or whether they can actually afford that trip to Italy, and you’ve committed a social sin. It’s “none of your business.” And that silence? That’s no way to build a shared financial life.

How Did We Get Here?

Our discomfort didn’t start with budgeting apps or forgotten Venmo requests. It started much earlier.

Maybe your parents tried to protect you by keeping money stress a secret. Or maybe you asked how much something cost and got scolded for being “nosy.” Maybe Aunt Bea and Uncle Arthur got dragged in whispered tones at Thanksgiving for living beyond their means.
Growing up in that kind of environment, you may have learned that money is sacred, private, off-limits—something to worry about, but never discuss.

Money comes with baggage. The family-sized kind. And enough cultural taboo to sink the Titanic—again.

So we avoid the topic. We split responsibilities, keep our accounts separate, and try not to rock the boat. We’re pretending to be 100% partners while acting like money doesn’t impact our relationship.

But here’s the thing: you are already communicating with your partner about money—whether you talk about it or not.

What That Blender Really Means

That $125 blender? In one family, it’s a thoughtful upgrade. In another, it’s a reckless impulse buy. Same object. Completely different meanings.

And here’s the real kicker: those meanings usually go unspoken. We don’t talk about the spending until the rent is past due or the check bounces. So the only time we do talk about money is when we’re already stressed about it. Not exactly a recipe for healthy communication.

You Don’t Have to Wing It

If love is supposed to conquer all, why does it struggle so hard when it comes to money?

Because money isn’t just numbers and budgets. It’s history. It’s identity. It’s power, trust, and emotional safety. It’s the story we’ve lived—and the one we’re still writing together.

Over the next few posts, we’ll unpack why money is such a loaded topic—and how to make those conversations easier, more connected, and a little less terrifying.

Because while love can conquer a lot, it doesn’t pay the bills (#FlyingLizards). And besides—it shouldn’t have to.

You don’t need a spreadsheet.
You need a brave conversation.

Money fight? Math’s Not the Problem

The Stereotype Showdown

You’ve probably heard it—or maybe even said it:
“She just loves to splurge.”
Or maybe:
“He’s such a tightwad.”

But what if arguments about money aren’t really about money at all—but about power, priorities, and feeling seen?

A friend recently suggested that women overspend while men think more economically. It’s a common belief—but is it true? And even more importantly: is that really the problem?

What the Data Says

Spoiler: it’s not about handbags vs. hardware.

Yes, men and women spend differently. But here’s what that actually means:

  • Women tend to spend more on household goods, children, groceries, and caregiving—often because they do more of the caregiving.
  • Men tend to spend more on big-ticket items like electronics, sporting events, and automobiles. Spoiler alert: a kayak, a new phone, and playoff tickets will run you a bit more than some candles and concealer.

Now here’s where it gets good:

  • Men are more likely to stay within a budget.
  • Women are more likely to set the budget in the first place.

So the guy sticking to the budget? Often working off her spreadsheet.

And yes, women go over budget more frequently—but often because they’re shouldering more of the single-parenting, elder care, and daily survival costs. Their spending isn’t about impulse. It’s about responsibility.

In short: it’s complicated. (Click here for the long version.)

Arguments about money are rarely about who bought what, for how much. They’re about who gets to decide what matters.

Two Options

Before you judge your partner’s purchases, understand what they’re actually buying.

  • A new outfit might be about self-worth.
  • That new game console might be about freedom, escapism—or maybe even avoidance.
  • The fifth kitchen gadget? Could be about trying to get it all done when there aren’t enough hours in the day.
  • The fancy candle? Maybe it’s about peace in a house full of chaos.

The spend is never the full story.

If you’re worried about how your partner spends, here are two options:

Set up a budget with separate “fun money”

Create a shared household fund for essentials, and individual monthly “no-questions-asked” spending accounts.
If he wants a fur-lined bathtub, that’s his call.
If she wants an electric dog tooth polisher, that’s hers.
(Yes, those are real things. We Googled.)

Celebrate the diversity of your choices—and make sure the dog’s teeth aren’t polishing the bathtub.

Be curious. Not critical.

Don’t ask, “Why did you buy that?” Instead, be curious. Explore:

  • “What’s important to you about this?”
  • “What were you hoping to feel?”

Your partner isn’t the enemy, and you’re not a prosecutorial version of Judge Judy with a joint checking account.

Your partner’s spending reflects who they are—and guess what? You picked ’em. So put down the gavel and use the moment to learn a little bit more about your partner..

Once you’re able to appreciate them for who they are, it’ll also make it a lot easier for them to understand why you spent $12,000 on that hallway portrait that “just spoke to you.”

Bottom line:
If the fight about spending is actually a fight about feeling seen, no spreadsheet is going to save you.

6 Things You Have to Do If You’re in a Polyamorous Relationship

Polyamory isn’t a free-for-all. It runs on honesty, emotional intelligence, and calendars. When it works, it’s expansive, connective, and healing. When it breaks down, it’s usually because someone skipped one of these:

  1. Communicate Until It’s Boring

More people = more chances for misalignment. “Good communication” doesn’t just mean talking a lot — it means being assertive (even when it’s hard) and attuned (especially when it’s hard). That means sharing what’s real for you — whether you’re in love, in lust, or in pain — and tuning in to your partners’ feelings, not just their words.

  1. Define What Counts as Cheating

Open ≠ poly ≠ monogamish. One partner might think hooking up with someone new is no big deal — the other might call it betrayal. Just because you’re non-monogamous doesn’t mean you’re on the same page. Spell out what’s in bounds, what’s out, and what happens if someone crosses the line.
And be specific: for some, sex without emotional connection is fine — but emotional intimacy with someone else might feel like a breach. Others are the opposite. Clarify it. Early and often.

  1. Own Your Jealousy Without Blame

Jealousy isn’t a flaw — it’s information. It might signal a need for reassurance, a broken agreement, or an old wound asking for care. Don’t shame it. Don’t weaponize it. Instead, get curious: What story is being told? What story is being heard?
Handled with honesty and explored with curiosity, jealousy can bring the kind of clarity, communication, and closeness that make relationships better.

  1. Bow to the Calendar Gods

Yes, everyone has a calendar — but in poly, your calendar becomes a living, breathing statement of values. Time is one of the clearest ways we express love, prioritize connection, and build trust. If you’re not thoughtful about how time is shared, someone’s going to feel like leftovers. Scheduling also protects solo time, prevents burnout, and avoids last-minute emotional landmines. Good calendaring isn’t overkill — it’s part of how consent and consideration show up in daily life.

  1. Do Your Inner Work

Poly can bring up your “stuff”: insecurity, fear of abandonment, people-pleasing, control. Even if you think you’re immune, you’re probably not. If you don’t tend to your emotional backpack, you’ll end up handing it to someone else — probably a partner you care about. Do your work. Therapy helps. Journaling helps. Honest conversations with yourself help. Don’t outsource your healing to the people you’re dating.

  1. Power Without Awareness Is Just Pressure

Whether or not you’re into kink, polyamory often echoes power dynamics — who initiates, who decides, who leads. Too often, one partner (usually the more experienced or confident one) sets the pace while another quietly tries to keep up. Especially in D/s or top/bottom dynamics, this can get messy fast. Just because someone says yes doesn’t mean they’re not overextending themselves to stay close.
If your desire feels like a freight train, check who’s on the tracks. A “yes” is good — but an enthusiastic, informed yes with real buy-in? That’s where the magic happens.

Want your poly relationships to thrive?

Then go beyond rules and roles. Speak up. Listen close. Let communication and calendars build trust. Define your lines — and respect them. Let jealousy teach you something useful. Do your own work so your partners don’t have to carry it.

And if you’re holding power, use it with care. Because the point isn’t just freedom.
It’s depth. It’s joy. It’s connection — chosen, earned, and real.

Unlearning How to Fight

You Know How to Fight.
You Know How to Win.

So why does it feel like losing?

Everybody calm down!

If you’re tired of fighting with your partner and feeling worse afterward—this post is for you.

We’ve all learned how to fight.
No, I don’t mean Krav Maga. Not karate. And not food fights à la Animal House.

I’m talking about the relationship stuff—the tried-and-true guerrilla (and open warfare) tactics we picked up growing up.

You probably absorbed your first conflict style without even knowing it—sitting at the dinner table as a kid, listening to adults slam doors, simmer in silence, or ramble about problems no one even remembered two hours later.

Maybe in your house, no one raised their voice—but no one talked about anything real, either.
Maybe “winning” meant controlling the narrative.
Maybe it meant disappearing.

However it looked, it became the foundation for your playbook.
And whether you were the loud one, the wallflower, or the peacemaker, chances are good you’re still using a version of that playbook today.

The Problem:
Those “Skills” Don’t Work When Both People Matter.

They may have helped you survive childhood—but they don’t help you build a loving, caring relationship.

Here’s how they fail:

  • If you fight to win, the relationship loses.

  • If you avoid all conflict, nothing ever gets resolved.

  • If you stay silent to keep the peace, your resentment will find its way out eventually—probably sideways.

So: what does work?

Let’s reframe what conflict actually brings us.

Conflict Isn’t a Battle to Win.
It’s an Invitation to Understand.

Yeah, I know—easier said than done.

But if you can move from me vs. you to us vs. the problem, something shifts.
Curiosity opens up.
Defensiveness starts to drop.
You stop keeping score and start asking better questions.

Like:

  • What’s actually bothering you?

  • What’s underneath the anger?

  • What are we each afraid of losing?

  • What needs aren’t being met?

  • What are we really arguing about?

The “fight” becomes a conversation.

We decide that the commitment to the relationship is more important than being right.
We remove ourselves from the roles of judge and prosecutor, and sit with our partner with openness, concern, and just enough bravery to stay in it.

It makes the relationship stronger, not weaker.
It creates safety.
It creates space for authenticity and intimacy.

The Truth About “Healthy” Couples

Some people think that happy couples never argue.
That’s a myth.

Put two humans under the same roof long enough, and sparks will fly.
Conflict isn’t the problem—unspoken conflict is.
Or worse: conflict that goes unresolved, festers, and turns into contempt.

Here’s the real secret: conflict can be a gift.

A chance to learn more about your partner.
A chance to practice honesty.
A chance to grow closer—not further apart.

The Next Time You Argue…

Treat it like a signal, not a threat. Ask yourself:

  • What am I really feeling?

  • What is my partner trying to show me?

  • How can we both walk away from this feeling more connected—not less?

And hey, maybe wait ’til morning.

Have some coffee. Or tea. Or a croissant the size of your face.
Start the day with kindness.
Then roll up your sleeves and get to work—together.

Because in the end:

The goal isn’t to win the fight. It’s to make sure there’s still someone holding you close when it’s over.

How a History of Trauma Impacts Intimate Relationships

Guest Post by Steven Kilmann, LMFT, MD

When someone begins the journey of healing, it’s often because past pain has started to echo into their present—especially in their closest relationships.

I know this firsthand.

After surviving childhood abuse, I struggled for years to feel truly safe with anyone.

Even when I found someone kind and patient, I couldn’t let my guard down.

Everything felt like a potential threat—an argument, a misunderstood text, even a surprise hug.

Trauma has a way of making your nervous system feel like it’s constantly on red alert, even when there’s no real danger anymore.

That’s the hard truth: trauma changes how we connect with others.

It interrupts our ability to trust, to be vulnerable, and to feel secure in love.

And these effects don’t go away just because we’ve found the “right” person.

If this sounds familiar, working with the right therapist – a therapist trained and experienced in the ways trauma impacts relationships – can make a world of difference.

They help untangle the past from the present, so love doesn’t always feel like a battlefield.

Trauma and the Body: Why Safety Comes First

Before we even think about love, the body wants to feel safe.

But trauma—especially developmental trauma—rewires our brain and nervous system.

It’s like driving a car with the brakes stuck on.

You want to move forward, but something’s always holding you back.

This internal braking system shows up in relationships as shutdowns, dissociation, and withdrawal.

Or, on the flip side, it can look like panic, rage, and hypervigilance.

These reactions aren’t choices—they’re survival strategies.

If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I don’t know why I reacted like that”, you’re not alone.

The truth is, your body probably responded before your brain even had time to catch up.

That’s why somatic approaches in therapy are often crucial.

A good trauma-informed therapist will focus on restoring regulation—helping the body relearn what calm and connection feel like.

Because love can’t thrive where safety is missing.

The Invisible Impact on Communication

One of the most subtle ways trauma affects relationships is in how we speak and listen.

I used to assume people were mad at me even when they weren’t.

A neutral tone of voice? I’d hear judgment.

A pause in conversation? I’d assume rejection.

Trauma primes us to expect harm, even when there’s none.

This makes honest communication incredibly difficult.

We either silence ourselves to avoid conflict, or we speak from a place of defense.

That’s why so many trauma survivors feel misunderstood or isolated—even in long-term relationships.

Therapists trained in trauma recovery often use attachment-based methods to repair this.

They assist clients in identifying triggers and provide tools to respond rather than react.

Over time, that rewiring builds emotional resilience—and relationships that can weather conflict instead of collapsing under it.

Intimacy Triggers: When Touch Isn’t Comforting

For many trauma survivors, physical touch—something that should be soothing—can become complicated.

This is especially true if the trauma involved the body or boundaries being violated.

Even something as simple as cuddling can feel threatening.

I once dated someone who couldn’t understand why I froze every time he touched my back unexpectedly.

It wasn’t about him—it was about memories my body hadn’t let go of.

This is where trauma-informed couples therapy can help both partners.

It creates a language around triggers, so there’s less shame and confusion.

You learn to ask for what you need, whether it’s slower pacing, more verbal reassurance, or clear physical boundaries.

And in doing that, you reclaim agency over your own body.

You redefine what safety feels like—on your terms.

Why Relationships Often Feel “Too Much” or “Not Enough”

One common pattern I’ve seen—and lived—is the cycle of pushing people away just when they get close.

You crave intimacy but panic when it shows up.

Or you feel nothing when someone finally gives you the love you wanted.

This push-pull dynamic is often rooted in attachment wounds.

If your early relationships taught you that love equals danger, then closeness becomes confusing.

Healing this isn’t about just “thinking positively.”

It takes repeated, safe relational experiences—often beginning in the therapy room.

A skilled trauma recovery specialist will model the kind of consistent, nonjudgmental presence that helps reset your attachment system.

From there, you learn how to tolerate closeness without feeling overwhelmed.

And slowly, connection starts to feel possible again.

Real-Life Healing Is Messy—But Worth It

I won’t sugarcoat it.

Healing from trauma is uncomfortable, especially when it touches your romantic life.

It brings up grief for the versions of love you didn’t get.

It forces you to confront old beliefs like “I’m too much” or “I’m unlovable.”

But it also opens the door to new possibilities.

I’ve seen people go from being emotionally shut down to laughing freely with a partner.

I’ve watched someone who thought they could “never trust again” walk down the aisle.

That kind of growth doesn’t happen overnight.

But with the right guidance, it’s absolutely possible.

The Role of a Therapist in Relationship Healing

A trauma recovery therapist does more than just talk through your past.

They guide you in real-time through the relational patterns that are playing out today.

They notice when you shut down, help you unpack why, and offer new ways of relating that feel safer.

They don’t just analyze—they attune.

They provide a reparative relationship that lays the foundation for healthier ones outside the therapy room.

And if you’re partnered, they can help your loved one understand what trauma does to the brain, body, and heart.

That kind of education builds empathy—and empathy builds intimacy.

Healing Isn’t Linear, But It’s Possible

You might still have days where love feels unsafe.

Where trust feels fragile and your instincts tell you to retreat.

That’s normal.

Healing isn’t about becoming someone who’s “never triggered.”

It’s about learning how to stay present when you are.

It’s about knowing that you’re more than your trauma—and that your relationships can reflect that too.

If you have trauma in your history, know that your past is very likely impacting your present, and not in a good way. Working with a therapist that understands the impact of trauma on relationships has helped countless people move from survival mode into connection.

And you deserve that kind of love—safe, honest, and rooted in your healing.

Steven Kilmann, LMFT, MD, began his career in medicine after studying psySteven Kilmann, LMFT, MDchology at the University of Michigan and earning his medical degree from USC, ultimately serving over a decade as a physician at Cedars-Sinai. After facing burnout and addiction during a creative pivot, his journey through recovery led him to his true purpose—supporting others as a licensed therapist with a Master’s in Psychology from Antioch University.

 

Power, Chores, and the Trouble with Negotiation

A friend recently asked me to revisit a blog post I wrote called Relationships and Power. His takeaway?

“Everything in life is a negotiation.”

He’s not wrong—relational dynamics do involve give and take. But he went further, suggesting that couples should approach negotiations from a clear-headed, unemotional place to achieve outcomes that are fair to both partners.

I respect the intent. But I think there are a couple of problems with this idea when applied to intimate relationships.

First, the word “negotiation” carries baggage. It suggests tactics, strategy, maybe even a little manipulation. But when it comes to intimacy, we’re not aiming for leverage—we’re aiming for closeness. Vulnerability. Trust. Trying to “win” with your partner is a great way to lose the relationship.

Second, there’s an often-unspoken assumption baked into the negotiation model: that both partners are equal. Equal in voice, in privilege, in power. But life—and relationships—aren’t always that balanced. Power often follows privilege: money, time, gender roles, emotional availability. And when one partner has more of those resources, guess who usually wins the “negotiation”? (Hint: not the one doing the laundry.)

Which brings me to another issue: all too often, the person who cares most about a task ends up doing it—by default, not by discussion. According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, in marriages where both spouses earn about the same, women still spend significantly more time on caregiving and housework. And when no one’s talking about it, resentment builds quietly—until it doesn’t.

So yes, there is a place for negotiation in relationships. Someone has to figure out who’s putting the kids to bed, who’s paying the bills, who’s folding the towels (or pretending to fold them until someone else refolds them correctly).

But here’s the thing: negotiate like partners, not opponents. In business, a good negotiation ends in profit. In a relationship, a “win” often means someone loses trust or intimacy.

Try this instead:

  • ✅ Talk it out—even when it’s uncomfortable

  • ❌ Don’t hide from conflict or assume your partner “should just know”

  • ✅ Be transparent and curious about what each of you needs

  • ❌ Don’t keep score—this isn’t a game

  • ✅ Lean into emotional attunement, not strategy

In the end, it’s not about a perfect 50/50 split. It’s about creating a relationship that feels fair, flexible, and safe to both people.

Now, if you’ll excuse me—
someone’s gotta sweep the floor.

Relationships and Power

In therapy, I often hear frustration from people who feel their partner is overly controlling or stifling, preventing them from being their true selves. Lately, the buzzword seems to be “narcissist,” but relationship dynamics are rarely that simple.

Healthy relationships rely on mutual respect and balance. Many of us unknowingly carry patterns from our families into romantic relationships. Perhaps we learned that love comes from being quiet, compliant, or pleasing. Or maybe the only way to gain attention was to dominate and control. Both roles carry significant risks.

If you’re consistently compliant and pleasing, you’ll eventually feel invisible and resentful. Even dedicated people-pleasers reach a breaking point of exhaustion. Conversely, always trying to control outcomes leaves you frustrated and disappointed, because life—and partners—rarely align perfectly with expectations.

Power dynamics in relationships are often subtle and unspoken, marked by quiet manipulations—what I call “the iron fist in the velvet glove.” Many individuals fear pushing back or speaking up, believing it might risk their relationship. Yet, suppressing your voice long-term inevitably leads to resentment, tension, and mistrust.

Power exchanges can be healthy if openly discussed and consensual, with both partners feeling genuinely valued. Regardless of the dynamic, mutual appreciation and authenticity are essential.

There’s no single formula for a perfect relationship; each one is uniquely shaped by the individuals involved. However, relationships fail when only one partner is truly seen and heard.

If you habitually defer, start advocating for yourself in small ways—express your preferences, set boundaries, and speak honestly. Though initially uncomfortable, these actions can greatly strengthen your sense of self and the relationship itself.

Conversely, if controlling outcomes leaves you exhausted, consider stepping back and letting go of expectations. The relief you feel might surprise you.

As Abraham Lincoln famously said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Relationships, too, depend on unity, authenticity, and mutual respect to thrive.

Listen To Be Heard

Why Won't She Just Listen

Last week in my office, a husband sat across from me, clearly frustrated and agitated. His words came out fast and loud. “What can I say to get her to listen?” he asked, exasperated.

But here was the problem: his wife, sitting just a few feet away, was trying to listen. In fact, she’d been trying to speak for several minutes, but his rapid-fire interruptions kept cutting her off. I could see her shutting down, overwhelmed by the verbal onslaught.

After several attempts to slow him down, I raised my voice. “LISTEN TO HER.”

That got his attention. He stopped, giving his wife space to express her thoughts. The dynamic shifted.

This situation plays out in relationships all the time. One person feels unheard and ramps up their efforts to communicate. The other person, feeling overwhelmed, retreats or disengages. It’s a vicious cycle. And while the urge to demand attention is natural, it often has the opposite effect – it drowns the other person out.

What Can We Do Differently?

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert known for his decades of research, offers practical tools for managing conflict and communication. If you find yourself asking why your partner isn’t listening, he suggests asking yourself this: Are you listening to them?

Accept your partner’s influence by creating space for their feelings and desires. When you dominate the conversation, the message your partner hears is “my way or the highway.”  Nothing good comes from that. 

Not every issue in a relationship can be neatly solved. People who are successful in relationships understand that keeping an open dialogue prevents small issues from becoming bigger ones.

Pro Tip: Pay Attention to Yourself. 

When conversations heat up, it’s easy to become emotionally overwhelmed. Your heart races, your muscles tense, and suddenly you’re in fight-or-flight mode. If you don’t recognize your emotional state, your brain shifts into survival gear.

In those moments, take a break. Step away for 20-30 minutes, do something calming, and return when you’re ready to engage without defensiveness.

Start Softly

When you come back to the conversation, Start Softly. Begin difficult conversations with a gentle approach. Use “I” statements to express needs, like “I’m frustrated because I’m doing as much as I can, and it never seems like it’s enough. I need you to acknowledge that I’m trying.”

The cartoon that inspired this blog might be a little bit over the top. Even so, it’s a complaint I’ve listened to many times:

Try Listening.

WHY WON’T SHE JUST LISTEN?

The irony is clear. The louder he shouts, the less he’s heard. The answer might not lie in talking more or “saying the right thing.” Often, it begins with listening – really listening – to the person sitting across from us.

Next time you feel unheard, pause. Ask yourself if you’re making space for your partner to speak. The shift may start with you.

 

 

Finding Meaningful Connections in a Busy World

The other day, I heard about a woman in a therapist group who was struggling with loneliness as an “empty nester.” She wanted to build friendships and perhaps find a romantic partner, but despite her efforts to engage in groups and host events, she found that people didn’t seem to connect with her. She described her past friendships as “one-sided” and “surface level.”

Her frustration was clear. She was always the one initiating conversations and keeping things going. When she stopped trying, the friendships faded away. She was looking for people who were willing to invest in the relationship as much as she was.

Her question was simple: How do people find meaningful connections anymore?

There were plenty of suggestions—be more intentional about the types of people you want to be around, spend time at farmers’ markets, museums, or the gym, and try social apps like Meetup.com.

These are all good ideas, but there’s a bigger issue that didn’t come up: maintaining a circle of friends requires effort. It would be wonderful if friendships maintained themselves effortlessly, but in our busy, distracted world, that’s rarely the case. The woman’s experience might have less to do with her and more to do with the fast-paced, over-committed lifestyles we all lead.

Blame the Internet and information overload, blame work culture, globalization, competition, and economic pressures—we’re all overwhelmed. When the couch is so comfortable and screen-scrolling is just a flick away, it’s easy to let friendships slip.

Sure, she wants to be pursued in her friendships—don’t we all? But sometimes, when we’re tired and need our privacy, even the idea of maintaining a connection can feel exhausting.

Let’s face it: making and keeping friends as adults takes more effort. When we were younger, friendships formed naturally because we saw the same people every day at school. Now, as adults, we move around, and staying connected requires deliberate action.

So, what’s the solution? It seems we need a friendship formula. Interestingly enough, I found a pretty good one dating back to the early 1600s. In Act 1, Scene 3 of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius gives some timeless advice.

Let’s take inspiration from Shakespeare and keep nurturing our connections.

There, my blessing with thee.

And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar.

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel,
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear ’t that th’ opposèd may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear but few thy voice.

Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not expressed in fancy—rich, not gaudy,
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell. My blessing season this in thee.

 

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