Luis Maimoni, LMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist in Long Beach, California

Category: Lifestyle Choices

Is who you are on the inside the same as who you are on the outside?

6 Things You Have to Do If You’re in a Polyamorous Relationship

Polyamory isn’t a free-for-all. It runs on honesty, emotional intelligence, and calendars. When it works, it’s expansive, connective, and healing. When it breaks down, it’s usually because someone skipped one of these:

  1. Communicate Until It’s Boring

More people = more chances for misalignment. “Good communication” doesn’t just mean talking a lot — it means being assertive (even when it’s hard) and attuned (especially when it’s hard). That means sharing what’s real for you — whether you’re in love, in lust, or in pain — and tuning in to your partners’ feelings, not just their words.

  1. Define What Counts as Cheating

Open ≠ poly ≠ monogamish. One partner might think hooking up with someone new is no big deal — the other might call it betrayal. Just because you’re non-monogamous doesn’t mean you’re on the same page. Spell out what’s in bounds, what’s out, and what happens if someone crosses the line.
And be specific: for some, sex without emotional connection is fine — but emotional intimacy with someone else might feel like a breach. Others are the opposite. Clarify it. Early and often.

  1. Own Your Jealousy Without Blame

Jealousy isn’t a flaw — it’s information. It might signal a need for reassurance, a broken agreement, or an old wound asking for care. Don’t shame it. Don’t weaponize it. Instead, get curious: What story is being told? What story is being heard?
Handled with honesty and explored with curiosity, jealousy can bring the kind of clarity, communication, and closeness that make relationships better.

  1. Bow to the Calendar Gods

Yes, everyone has a calendar — but in poly, your calendar becomes a living, breathing statement of values. Time is one of the clearest ways we express love, prioritize connection, and build trust. If you’re not thoughtful about how time is shared, someone’s going to feel like leftovers. Scheduling also protects solo time, prevents burnout, and avoids last-minute emotional landmines. Good calendaring isn’t overkill — it’s part of how consent and consideration show up in daily life.

  1. Do Your Inner Work

Poly can bring up your “stuff”: insecurity, fear of abandonment, people-pleasing, control. Even if you think you’re immune, you’re probably not. If you don’t tend to your emotional backpack, you’ll end up handing it to someone else — probably a partner you care about. Do your work. Therapy helps. Journaling helps. Honest conversations with yourself help. Don’t outsource your healing to the people you’re dating.

  1. Power Without Awareness Is Just Pressure

Whether or not you’re into kink, polyamory often echoes power dynamics — who initiates, who decides, who leads. Too often, one partner (usually the more experienced or confident one) sets the pace while another quietly tries to keep up. Especially in D/s or top/bottom dynamics, this can get messy fast. Just because someone says yes doesn’t mean they’re not overextending themselves to stay close.
If your desire feels like a freight train, check who’s on the tracks. A “yes” is good — but an enthusiastic, informed yes with real buy-in? That’s where the magic happens.

Want your poly relationships to thrive?

Then go beyond rules and roles. Speak up. Listen close. Let communication and calendars build trust. Define your lines — and respect them. Let jealousy teach you something useful. Do your own work so your partners don’t have to carry it.

And if you’re holding power, use it with care. Because the point isn’t just freedom.
It’s depth. It’s joy. It’s connection — chosen, earned, and real.

Relationships and Power

In therapy, I often hear frustration from people who feel their partner is overly controlling or stifling, preventing them from being their true selves. Lately, the buzzword seems to be “narcissist,” but relationship dynamics are rarely that simple.

Healthy relationships rely on mutual respect and balance. Many of us unknowingly carry patterns from our families into romantic relationships. Perhaps we learned that love comes from being quiet, compliant, or pleasing. Or maybe the only way to gain attention was to dominate and control. Both roles carry significant risks.

If you’re consistently compliant and pleasing, you’ll eventually feel invisible and resentful. Even dedicated people-pleasers reach a breaking point of exhaustion. Conversely, always trying to control outcomes leaves you frustrated and disappointed, because life—and partners—rarely align perfectly with expectations.

Power dynamics in relationships are often subtle and unspoken, marked by quiet manipulations—what I call “the iron fist in the velvet glove.” Many individuals fear pushing back or speaking up, believing it might risk their relationship. Yet, suppressing your voice long-term inevitably leads to resentment, tension, and mistrust.

Power exchanges can be healthy if openly discussed and consensual, with both partners feeling genuinely valued. Regardless of the dynamic, mutual appreciation and authenticity are essential.

There’s no single formula for a perfect relationship; each one is uniquely shaped by the individuals involved. However, relationships fail when only one partner is truly seen and heard.

If you habitually defer, start advocating for yourself in small ways—express your preferences, set boundaries, and speak honestly. Though initially uncomfortable, these actions can greatly strengthen your sense of self and the relationship itself.

Conversely, if controlling outcomes leaves you exhausted, consider stepping back and letting go of expectations. The relief you feel might surprise you.

As Abraham Lincoln famously said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Relationships, too, depend on unity, authenticity, and mutual respect to thrive.

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