Luis Maimoni, LMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist in Long Beach, California

Category: Men’s issues

What does it mean to be a man these days?

Money fight? Math’s Not the Problem

The Stereotype Showdown

You’ve probably heard it—or maybe even said it:
“She just loves to splurge.”
Or maybe:
“He’s such a tightwad.”

But what if arguments about money aren’t really about money at all—but about power, priorities, and feeling seen?

A friend recently suggested that women overspend while men think more economically. It’s a common belief—but is it true? And even more importantly: is that really the problem?

What the Data Says

Spoiler: it’s not about handbags vs. hardware.

Yes, men and women spend differently. But here’s what that actually means:

  • Women tend to spend more on household goods, children, groceries, and caregiving—often because they do more of the caregiving.
  • Men tend to spend more on big-ticket items like electronics, sporting events, and automobiles. Spoiler alert: a kayak, a new phone, and playoff tickets will run you a bit more than some candles and concealer.

Now here’s where it gets good:

  • Men are more likely to stay within a budget.
  • Women are more likely to set the budget in the first place.

So the guy sticking to the budget? Often working off her spreadsheet.

And yes, women go over budget more frequently—but often because they’re shouldering more of the single-parenting, elder care, and daily survival costs. Their spending isn’t about impulse. It’s about responsibility.

In short: it’s complicated. (Click here for the long version.)

Arguments about money are rarely about who bought what, for how much. They’re about who gets to decide what matters.

Two Options

Before you judge your partner’s purchases, understand what they’re actually buying.

  • A new outfit might be about self-worth.
  • That new game console might be about freedom, escapism—or maybe even avoidance.
  • The fifth kitchen gadget? Could be about trying to get it all done when there aren’t enough hours in the day.
  • The fancy candle? Maybe it’s about peace in a house full of chaos.

The spend is never the full story.

If you’re worried about how your partner spends, here are two options:

Set up a budget with separate “fun money”

Create a shared household fund for essentials, and individual monthly “no-questions-asked” spending accounts.
If he wants a fur-lined bathtub, that’s his call.
If she wants an electric dog tooth polisher, that’s hers.
(Yes, those are real things. We Googled.)

Celebrate the diversity of your choices—and make sure the dog’s teeth aren’t polishing the bathtub.

Be curious. Not critical.

Don’t ask, “Why did you buy that?” Instead, be curious. Explore:

  • “What’s important to you about this?”
  • “What were you hoping to feel?”

Your partner isn’t the enemy, and you’re not a prosecutorial version of Judge Judy with a joint checking account.

Your partner’s spending reflects who they are—and guess what? You picked ’em. So put down the gavel and use the moment to learn a little bit more about your partner..

Once you’re able to appreciate them for who they are, it’ll also make it a lot easier for them to understand why you spent $12,000 on that hallway portrait that “just spoke to you.”

Bottom line:
If the fight about spending is actually a fight about feeling seen, no spreadsheet is going to save you.

When Respect Feels Missing: A Conversation About Gender, Connection, and Emotional Needs

Thinking About Gender

I was talking with a friend the other day, and he was wondering out loud: Why do women so often say men don’t understand them? It struck me as a fair question. I get a lot of business due to couples having problems communicating with – understanding – each other. No matter how we define or construe gender, there always seem to be misunderstandings.

In popular culture—and often in my therapy office—men are frequently framed as emotionally out of touch. Unwilling, or maybe unable, to engage with nuance. It’s a stereotype, sure, but one that resonates with many people’s lived experiences.

As the conversation continued, my friend shifted gears. He talked about how society seems to be cheering for women in ways that feel visible and celebrated—more women in college, more women starting businesses, more women in leadership. And he’s right: there’s real movement happening.

But alongside that progress, he said, men’s struggles often feel minimized or ignored. That left him—and maybe others—feeling unsure of their place. Like they’re showing up, doing the work, but no one’s really noticing.

Then he said something that gave me pause: “Women don’t seem to understand that men want respect and admiration.”In contrast, he felt women often want to feel emotionally understood.

That idea—respect vs. understanding—may not be universal, but it is familiar. And while research suggests there are some gendered trends in emotional needs, the bigger truth is this: we’re all shaped by more than our gender. Culture, upbringing, life experience—all of it influences how we show up in relationships.

Still, I don’t think my friend was trying to win an argument. I think he was trying to name something he hadn’t quite said out loud before.

In a culture that increasingly centers women’s voices and progress, some men feel unseen, unneeded, or emotionally irrelevant. Women, in seeking emotional understanding, may overlook that men often experience love not through emotional decoding but through expressions of respect, trust, and admiration. The communication gap isn’t just between two people—it’s between two social narratives.

And when those narratives collide—when one partner is seeking emotional resonance and the other is longing to feel respected—we get tension, disconnection, and the all-too-familiar “You don’t get me” loop.

But here’s the good news: understanding and respect aren’t mutually exclusive. They’re just different doors to the same room. Relationships thrive when we stop assuming the other person should love like we do, and instead get curious about what love looks like to them.

So I turned to my friend after we’d had this conversation and told him I respect where he’s coming from. I said I hoped he was feeling seen and heard in his relationship—and then I asked if he felt respected. If he felt like the people in his life really got him.

Sure enough, he said no. He felt misunderstood. Maybe underappreciated for all the work he does. I validated that—because it’s real.

And then I asked the payoff question: “What would you like to do about it?”

As he started to talk about the changes he might make, I thought to myself, Be careful what you wish for. And then I wished him well.

If we can stay curious about each other, we’ve got a shot at getting it right.

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