I was talking with a friend the other day, and he was wondering out loud: Why do women so often say men don’t understand them? It struck me as a fair question. I get a lot of business due to couples having problems communicating with – understanding – each other. No matter how we define or construe gender, there always seem to be misunderstandings.
In popular culture—and often in my therapy office—men are frequently framed as emotionally out of touch. Unwilling, or maybe unable, to engage with nuance. It’s a stereotype, sure, but one that resonates with many people’s lived experiences.
As the conversation continued, my friend shifted gears. He talked about how society seems to be cheering for women in ways that feel visible and celebrated—more women in college, more women starting businesses, more women in leadership. And he’s right: there’s real movement happening.
But alongside that progress, he said, men’s struggles often feel minimized or ignored. That left him—and maybe others—feeling unsure of their place. Like they’re showing up, doing the work, but no one’s really noticing.
Then he said something that gave me pause: “Women don’t seem to understand that men want respect and admiration.”In contrast, he felt women often want to feel emotionally understood.
That idea—respect vs. understanding—may not be universal, but it is familiar. And while research suggests there are some gendered trends in emotional needs, the bigger truth is this: we’re all shaped by more than our gender. Culture, upbringing, life experience—all of it influences how we show up in relationships.
Still, I don’t think my friend was trying to win an argument. I think he was trying to name something he hadn’t quite said out loud before.
In a culture that increasingly centers women’s voices and progress, some men feel unseen, unneeded, or emotionally irrelevant. Women, in seeking emotional understanding, may overlook that men often experience love not through emotional decoding but through expressions of respect, trust, and admiration. The communication gap isn’t just between two people—it’s between two social narratives.
And when those narratives collide—when one partner is seeking emotional resonance and the other is longing to feel respected—we get tension, disconnection, and the all-too-familiar “You don’t get me” loop.
But here’s the good news: understanding and respect aren’t mutually exclusive. They’re just different doors to the same room. Relationships thrive when we stop assuming the other person should love like we do, and instead get curious about what love looks like to them.
So I turned to my friend after we’d had this conversation and told him I respect where he’s coming from. I said I hoped he was feeling seen and heard in his relationship—and then I asked if he felt respected. If he felt like the people in his life really got him.
Sure enough, he said no. He felt misunderstood. Maybe underappreciated for all the work he does. I validated that—because it’s real.
And then I asked the payoff question: “What would you like to do about it?”
As he started to talk about the changes he might make, I thought to myself, Be careful what you wish for. And then I wished him well.
If we can stay curious about each other, we’ve got a shot at getting it right.
