Luis Maimoni, LMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist in Long Beach, California

Category: Dating and Premartial

Looking for a relationship? Looking for a strong and healthy relationship?

When Your Gut Says They’re Cheating… Should You Listen?

Therapist considering his gut instinct Is there a one-size-fits-all answer to cheating suspicions? Nope. Not even close. But that doesn’t mean your gut’s useless — just that context is everything.

Let’s start with that “gut feeling.” Should you trust it or write it off as paranoia? That depends on who trained your gut. If you grew up around infidelity or relational chaos, your internal radar might be hyperactive — tuned to false alarms. On the flip side, if you were raised in a world of stable, trustworthy relationships, you might not notice warning signs even if they’re skywriting over your house. So, no, don’t dismiss the gut. But don’t worship it, either. It’s a clue, not a conclusion.

So what should you actually look for?

Ask yourself: Do you know where your partner’s time, energy, and money are going? Are those resources shrinking when it comes to you? Do you know what lights them up, where they’re spending emotional currency? These aren’t accusations — they’re important relationship barometers. If you’re unsure, ask.

Is it ever okay to act on a hunch?

Sure. Just don’t go straight to hiring a PI and downloading spyware. Instead, try: “Hey, I’ve been feeling off — insecure, a little lost. Can we check in about where we stand?” That’s acting on a hunch with curiosity and courage, not suspicion and judgment. Be brave enough to start the conversation.

But how do you do it without seeming distrustful?

Spoiler: if you’re suspicious, you’re already distrustful. Don’t fake trust you don’t have. It doesn’t make you look emotionally mature — it makes you look emotionally manipulative. Own your feelings. If your relationship is healthy, your partner should be able to hear you out without turning it into a courtroom drama.

In summary: Gut feelings deserve respect, but not blind obedience. If your spidey-sense is tingling, know yourself before you confront someone else. Accusations of cheating are serious. But so is letting your anxiety rot the relationship from the inside out. The only thing worse than bringing it up is pretending it’s not there.

Finding Meaningful Connections in a Busy World

The other day, I heard about a woman in a therapist group who was struggling with loneliness as an “empty nester.” She wanted to build friendships and perhaps find a romantic partner, but despite her efforts to engage in groups and host events, she found that people didn’t seem to connect with her. She described her past friendships as “one-sided” and “surface level.”

Her frustration was clear. She was always the one initiating conversations and keeping things going. When she stopped trying, the friendships faded away. She was looking for people who were willing to invest in the relationship as much as she was.

Her question was simple: How do people find meaningful connections anymore?

There were plenty of suggestions—be more intentional about the types of people you want to be around, spend time at farmers’ markets, museums, or the gym, and try social apps like Meetup.com.

These are all good ideas, but there’s a bigger issue that didn’t come up: maintaining a circle of friends requires effort. It would be wonderful if friendships maintained themselves effortlessly, but in our busy, distracted world, that’s rarely the case. The woman’s experience might have less to do with her and more to do with the fast-paced, over-committed lifestyles we all lead.

Blame the Internet and information overload, blame work culture, globalization, competition, and economic pressures—we’re all overwhelmed. When the couch is so comfortable and screen-scrolling is just a flick away, it’s easy to let friendships slip.

Sure, she wants to be pursued in her friendships—don’t we all? But sometimes, when we’re tired and need our privacy, even the idea of maintaining a connection can feel exhausting.

Let’s face it: making and keeping friends as adults takes more effort. When we were younger, friendships formed naturally because we saw the same people every day at school. Now, as adults, we move around, and staying connected requires deliberate action.

So, what’s the solution? It seems we need a friendship formula. Interestingly enough, I found a pretty good one dating back to the early 1600s. In Act 1, Scene 3 of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius gives some timeless advice.

Let’s take inspiration from Shakespeare and keep nurturing our connections.

There, my blessing with thee.

And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar.

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel,
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear ’t that th’ opposèd may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear but few thy voice.

Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not expressed in fancy—rich, not gaudy,
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell. My blessing season this in thee.

 

Breaking the Ice on a First Date

Congrats, you’ve got a first date coming up. You may have some jitters but don’t let them deter you from the task at hand: trying to have some fun while getting to know your date a little bit This means getting the vibe as well as the whole person.

The Vibe: Do you feel a connection? A spark? How does it feel to be with them?

The Whole Person: What about their friends, their family, their relationships, their values, their interests, and activities?

Break the Ice

First things first: establish rapport. Don’t assume that your prior text and phone conversations created some sort of connection. You’re face to face, and it’s different.

It’s easiest to establish rapport with someone else when you’re relaxed. Calm your nerves by using deep breathing (or another technique, but preferably not shots of tequila). If you’re anxious, it’ll make your date anxious. If you’re at ease, it will be easier for your date to be at ease.

Once you’re together, pay attention to what is said, and what isn’t said. Notice body language. Most human communication is non-verbal. Keep it light, and stay away from questions. Instead, notice something praiseworthy or notable in your date. Make observations and compliments, e.g., “I love this idea of going for a walk for a first date,” or “You have such great hair!” Yes, it’s banal but you’re at the earliest stages of getting to know someone. Play it safe, and notice how your date responds. If you see a face that lights up, or animated body movements, press on. If you see broken eye contact and body stiffness, go another direction.

Once there is a good flow back and forth, you can start the with non-threatening questions, such as “What’s your favorite movie,” or “Who is someone you admire?” Those easy ice-breakers may carry you through most of the date, and that’s fine. But, If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, follow with a question or two about childhood and growing up, or about prior relationships. If you pay attention, you’ll gain a trove of information that will help you decide if you’re up for another date.

Good luck and have fun!

Hot Tips for Hot Dates

Dating: love it or hate it, it’s something we all go through to find intimate relationships. Unfortunately, it can get complicated. Here are five hot tips for avoiding the nots and finding the hots!

Hot Tip #1 – Make Your List

Before you venture out, think about what you’re looking for. Smart? Witty? Legs, hair, or butt? How tall? Religious/spiritual practices? Do spelling and punctuation matter? Politics? Bad girl or Prince Charming? Children? Education? Community organizer, corporate manager, or couch surfer? Looking for commitment or looking for fun? Don’t forget about sex: is it done at night, under the covers, in the dark? Or swinging from a chandelier in a sparkling pink suit?

This above all: to thine own self be true. Don’t let the values of others guide your decisions. If you’re looking for a partner with a great body or a deep wallet, don’t be ashamed of being “shallow.” You are the only one you must please.

Today’s technologies make it easy to connect with billions of people, but it’s not physically possible to date them all. Be selective! Make your list, check it twice, and find venues where your possible partners are likely to be. The fisherfolk know the ocean is vast and cast their nets where the fish are.

If you’re struggling to make a list, you may not have a clear idea of what you’re looking for. Instead of dating, consider participating in group social events (clubs, church) and pay attention to what you’re attracted to.

Hot Tip #2 – Be Emotionally Ready

Dating is not the place to overcome co-dependency. Don’t try to find the “one who will complete you.” Al-Anon and other support groups, good friends, and therapy work waaaaaaay better.

Hot Tip #3 – Honesty is the Best Policy

Be honest in your online profile. Include recent pix of your face and body (clothed is preferred). Yes, you’ll get more inquiries/responses if you puff yourself up, but those relationships aren’t going to go anywhere, and you’ll waste everyone’s time. You can make up for any deficits you feel you have by sharing something unique about yourself. Bonus Tip: a little humor in your profile goes a long way.

Hot Tip #4 – Try Shutting Up

If you’re a talker, be sure to give your date a chance to define themselves with some measured silence. Don’t make them feel uncomfortable or pressured. Do notice what they come up with when you give them a chance to fill the “unstructured conversation space.” Will they talk for five straight minutes without checking in to see if you’re interested? Can they lead a conversation as well as follow? If you pay sufficient attention to what they say and do, you’ll learn about the interests, opinions, and insights they’ll bring into the relationship.

Hot Tip #5 – Is This One “The One”?

Keep your first couple of dates to an hour or less. Be fully present and pay close attention to what you see and hear. It is easy to get sucked in to romance, and our unmet emotional needs (you wouldn’t be dating if you didn’t have unmet emotional needs) can drown out the yellow and red flags our thinking brains would otherwise notice. After the date, replay the time you spent together in your mind. How did s/he treat others? Where was your date’s attention focused?

During your review, pay attention to your gut instincts. Are you left feeling attracted? Anxious? Irritated for some reason you cannot explain? Our emotional systems aren’t always correct or logical, but they sometimes pick up on things our cognitive systems miss. If you can’t figure out why you’re feeling about how your date went, spend some quality time with yourself reflecting on the experience and see if you can figure it out.

If you are seeking a serious relationship, then trust is a must. Most of us have, at one time or another, been burned by a romantic partner, and want to avoid repeating the experience. To make an informed decision about trust, date with your head as well as your heart. Think clearly about how the relationship has developed from your very first contact. Was what was said and done congruent? For example, if they said they’d be there at 2:00, but breezed in at 2:30, can you rely on them to be on-time next time? If they said they’re over their break-up, why did they keep bringing up their ex? If they said they’re financially successful, why is it that you’re always the one picking up the check? If they said they’re single, why is it that they can only talk to you at certain times? When words aren’t “congruent” with actions, believe the actions every time.

Your Hot Date Awaits

Technology has made it easier than ever to meet people. On the other hand, things on the Internet aren’t always what they seem. Have fun, but be safe. Good luck out there.

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