Before you move in…

Paperwork ≠ Intimacy

Thinking about moving in together? Let’s clear something up: no amount of paperwork or negotiation will guarantee a good outcome if you haven’t really gotten to know each other.

Paperwork doesn’t build intimacy. A lease won’t make your partner kinder, tidier, or less obsessed with leaving socks in creative places. And it definitely won’t change the way they load the dishwasher.

Compatibility Isn’t Just the Good Times

Nobody moves in thinking they’re incompatible. But most of us make that decision based on how we’ve experienced our partner at their best. True compatibility shows up when you’ve also seen them at their worst.

Stress Reveals the Real Story

Here’s why: when life is easy, we tend to show up as our best selves. We’re generous, collaborative, and open. Early in a relationship, we even keep our “party manners” on. But under stress, we default to our attachment style — the protective, defensive self. That’s when the anxious partner clings, the avoidant partner pulls away, and the secure partner is left wondering what just happened.

Want to dig deeper? Here’s a primer on attachment styles, one of the most well-researched theories in relational psychology: Attachment Styles and Relationships (The Gottman Institute).

Love Alone Isn’t Enough

Bluntly: the person you think might be “marriage material” has a dark side. We all do. Stress is what brings out the rough edges. And if you’re counting on “love will find a way,” the divorce statistics suggest otherwise.

The Big Four Questions Before You Move In

The usual advice about moving in covers the basics:

  • Motives. Love + joy? Great. Saving money? Congratulations, you’ve just found the world’s priciest roommate.
  • Boundaries. Love without them burns out. Boundaries without love isolate. Pick your poison.
  • Power. Money, assets, anger, even the “need to please.” Equality’s a myth. Fairness is the goal.
  • Commitment. If you’re doing it “to see what happens,” what usually happens is resentment.

All of these matter — but they assume compatibility. And you can’t measure compatibility until you’ve seen how your partner (and you) respond when things go wrong.

Try a Stress Test

Now, you can’t exactly banish your partner to Siberia or create stress on purpose by hiding their underwear. But you can take a trip together — somewhere unfamiliar, long enough and bumpy enough to test how you both cope when life isn’t picture-perfect. At the very least, you’ll learn whether your partner snores like a chainsaw before the honeymoon.

Vacations aren’t cheap. But they’re a whole lot cheaper than moving in, moving out, and way, way cheaper than divorce.

Bottom Line

Moving in together isn’t just about splitting Wi-Fi. It’s about building a life. And before you do that, make sure you know not only who your partner is when things are easy — but who they are when things get hard.