They should have talked sooner.
One of the most difficult and intractable problems I see in my practice has to do with desire discrepancy, AKA mismatched libidos, AKA the “horny factor.”
When one partner wants more sex and the other doesn’t, sometimes it can be resolved—or at least significantly improved—because the mismatch is being driven by something else. Relationship problems. Stress. Depression. Medications. Hormonal changes. Illness. Exhaustion. Pregnancy. Menopause. Parenting. Resentment. Bad sex. You get the idea.
Sometimes, though, you can work through all that stuff and discover something less fixable: one partner simply wants more sex than the other.
People vary in their baseline levels of sexual desire. Sometimes by a lot.
This puts pressure on both partners, no matter which side of the mismatch you’re on. Yes, there are interventions. Yes, couples can learn to negotiate differences. But therapy cannot guarantee that two people who have substantially different levels of sexual desire are eventually going to want the same amount of sex.
Which brings me to my point: the time to talk about desire is before you’re committed, not after.
The Biological Reality
The messages we get about sex are so convoluted that we don’t have the skills or inclination to talk about the horny factor.
Here’s what you need to know: sexual desire isn’t a personality trait, a moral stance, or proof of how much someone loves their partner. It’s biopsychosocial — meaning a lot of different systems contribute to it, and some of those systems can change while others tend to stay relatively stable.
Some parts of sexual desire can be affected by life circumstances. Stress, resentment, relationship quality, trauma recovery, attachment security, medications, hormones, sleep, novelty, attraction, and sexual communication can all influence desire. You can’t snap your fingers and change these things, and some of them shift slowly or indirectly. But when life or the relationship improves, desire often moves with it — and therapy can help with many of the factors that shape desire over time.
Other aspects of desire are more stable over time. Temperament, reward sensitivity, baseline arousal patterns, and how readily someone responds to erotic cues can differ substantially from person to person. These differences may not change very much just because the relationship improves.
And here’s the part couples often struggle with: Two perfectly healthy people can love each other, be attracted to each other, have good sex, and have a good relationship — and still not want the same amount of sex. It’s nothing more than another way we humans differ from each other — the same way we vary in energy levels, appetite, or need for sleep.
You can work on the responsive parts of desire — the stress, the resentment, the communication, the sleep, the relationship dynamics — and still discover that your partner’s baseline sexual desire is different from yours. Not wrong. Not broken. Just different.
And that’s why this matters in dating. Because if desire differences can be significant, and if some of those differences are simply part of how people vary, then waiting until you’re deeply attached to explore those differences is a risky strategy.
That’s why the conversation belongs in dating, not “later.” Even if it feels awkward.
Yeah, I Am SOOOO Not Bringing This Up on a Date!
Sex is a taboo topic. We feel our way through it (see what I did there? Ha, ha.) But because of the taboo, we delay sexual compatibility conversations:
- waiting until marriage
- waiting until engagement
- waiting until “we’re serious”
- waiting until “we trust each other”
- assuming desire will magically align
- assuming love will override major differences
The problem is that once you’re emotionally attached—once you’ve bonded, once you’ve built a shared future in your head—discovering a major libido mismatch is not just inconvenient.
It’s painful.
So unless you’re hoping to spend your relationship either not getting enough sex, or feeling constantly pressured for it, or eventually facing a massive and miserable breakup, you’ve got to talk about it. There’s also the slow‑burn option: years of resentment quietly piling up until the relationship feels like a chore. You can always go that route.
Otherwise, like I said, you can talk about it.
So When Do You Talk About It?
Let’s be practical. You don’t put libido in your dating profile. Profiles are for values, humor, and vibe. Talking sex too soon is a turnoff, and to many, a red flag.
You don’t bring it up in early texting either. That’s too soon, too contextless, and too easily misread.
The longer you date, the more attached you become. You’ve begun imagining a future. You’ve invested in the relationship. And the more you have to lose, the easier it becomes to avoid asking questions when you might not like the answer.
So here’s my rule of thumb: talk about it before you become sexually active OR somewhere around the three-month mark—whichever comes first.
Three months isn’t some magical neurobiological deadline. Your brain does not sound an alarm on Day 91. It’s a practical rule of thumb.
That doesn’t mean you should interrogate someone about how many times a week they intend to have sex for the next forty years.
For one thing, they don’t know.
How to Talk About It
(Without Making It Weird)
You don’t need a dramatic conversation. You don’t need charts. You don’t need to rehearse. You just need a simple, honest way to open the door. Something like:
“Seems like we might be heading toward sex. It’s important to me that my partner and I are compatible around this. My own level of sexual desire tends to be [higher/lower/steady], and I think it’s worth talking about before we get too far down the road.”
That’s a start.
Frequency isn’t the only thing worth talking about. How important is sex to you in a relationship? How often do you tend to want it once a relationship is established? Does desire tend to just show up for you, or does it usually emerge after affection or sexual contact has already started? What turns desire off? What helps it along? How do you handle it when one person wants sex and the other doesn’t?
And while you’re already sitting here having the awkward conversation, this is probably a pretty good time to talk about sexual preferences, kinks, monogamy or non-monogamy, and anything else that could become a gigantic surprise later.
The important thing is to be honest—with the person you’re dating, but also with yourself. If something matters to you, say so. Don’t leave it off the table because you’re afraid it might scare the other person away. Don’t assume you’ll bring it up “later,” once the relationship feels safer. And definitely don’t assume your partner will somehow intuit an unspoken need and adapt to it.
Sex is one of the ways we connect, express affection, feel desired, and feel known. If something about your sexual life is important to you, leaving it unspoken doesn’t make it less important. It just means you may not discover the incompatibility until you have a whole lot more invested.
Don’t think of the conversation as “weird.” Think of it as two adults acknowledging that sex is probably going to matter in their relationship and comparing notes before the stakes get considerably higher.
The Closing Note
Desire discrepancy shows up in long-term relationships all the time. It’s not rare, it’s not shameful, and it’s not a sign that anyone did anything wrong. And talking about it early doesn’t guarantee lifelong sexual compatibility.
People change. Bodies change. Hormones change. Health changes. Medications change. Pregnancy happens. Menopause happens. Kids happen. Stress happens. Grief happens. Relationships themselves change. Two people who are beautifully matched sexually at 28 may have some negotiating to do at 48.
But that’s very different from beginning a relationship with a significant discrepancy already staring you in the face and avoiding talking about it.
So talk early. Talk before you’re deeply attached. Find out how this other human being experiences desire—and let them know how you experience yours.
You aren’t negotiating a sexual contract for the next forty years. You’re trying to find out whether the two of you are starting from somewhere reasonably compatible.
And if you discover that you’re not, take that seriously. Dating is the time to discover incompatibilities. It’s the time to remember that in real life, love and commitment do not conquer all. Don’t knowingly marry a major sexual incompatibility and call it a future therapy problem.
It’s not about being bold. It’s about being kind to your future self.
