Conflict Isn’t Just Personal—It’s Primal

In my office, I see a lot of couples who love each other—but can’t stop fighting. And couples who’ve stopped fighting because they’ve shut down emotionally. Sound familiar?

It’s easy to think conflict is about personality differences. But honestly? Much of what we struggle with in relationships is baked into human nature—the same wiring that drives large-scale conflict, division, and tribalism.

Ancient Wiring, Modern Fights

We live in a loud, angry, divided world. Everyone’s shouting, no one’s listening, and we’ve all retreated into our camps—online and off.

The same instincts show up in our intimate relationships. Minor disagreements can trigger ancient systems that read conflict as danger, invoking the “fight or flight” response. That’s why a small argument—about tone, timing, or whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher—can feel like a threat, and turn you into something less than the best version of yourself.

Rodney King Was Right to Ask

In 1992, Rodney King—bruised and humiliated—stood in front of a microphone and asked, “Can we all get along?”

A reasonable question. But history—and therapy rooms—suggest the answer is often no.

And here’s why: our brains have evolved to scan for danger and label difference. That wiring helped us survive. But it also fuels conflict at every level—global, social, and personal.

Fear is Louder Than Empathy

When we face loss, change, scarcity, or inequality, we don’t instinctively reach for connection. We reach for control. For blame. For distance. And yes, that’s true whether we’re talking about geopolitics… or who left the door unlocked.

Even when we say “forgive and forget,” we rarely do either. Wounds don’t vanish just because a new day starts. And so we begin the next day a little more guarded, a little less open—trying to protect ourselves with control. But in relationships, reactive or defensive control blocks connection.

It’s easier to defend than to ask, “What am I missing here?”
It’s easier to shut down than to risk being misunderstood again.

So no, we haven’t learned to get along—not as a species, and not always in our partnerships.

But speaking of evolution, we rose to the top of the food chain because of opposable thumbs and our ability to think and change our behavior. We can choose to show up differently.

What You Can Actually Do About It

Start small:

  • Listen more than you talk.
  • Get curious instead of defensive.
  • Validate what you don’t yet understand.
  • Try something new in how you show up—even if it doesn’t come naturally.

We don’t need easier. We need better.
And better starts with us.

If you’re wondering how to make your world less hostile, less lonely, less divided—start with the people right in front of you.

That includes empathy and boundaries.
Love without boundaries burns out.
Boundaries without love isolate.

We need both.
And it starts with us.

PS: If you’re trying to raise children  with skills around empathy, boundaries, and compassion, you may find information in the video I made for Authority Magazine useful.