Marriage and Family Therapist in Long Beach, California
He looked at me and said, “Women keep saying we don’t understand them. But I don’t think they understand us either—not what we need.”
What followed wasn’t a rant. It was something quieter. Sadder. The feeling that in a world cheering for progress, some men aren’t sure where they fit anymore—or whether anyone notices when they’re quietly drowning.
Guest Post by Steven Kilmann, LMFT, MD: This blog explores how unresolved trauma—particularly developmental and relational trauma—can deeply impact intimate relationships. It covers how trauma affects the nervous system, disrupts communication, alters physical touch responses, and creates push-pull dynamics in connection. Drawing from personal experience and therapeutic insight, the author explains how trauma-informed therapy can help individuals and couples heal by restoring safety, trust, and emotional regulation. The piece emphasizes that healing isn’t linear, but with the right support, safe and secure love is possible.
A friend told me, “Everything in life is a negotiation.”
Maybe. But in intimate relationships, that mindset can backfire.
Healthy relationships rely on mutual respect and balance. Many of us unknowingly carry patterns from our families into romantic relationships. Perhaps we learned that love comes from being quiet, compliant, or pleasing. Or maybe the only way to gain attention was to dominate and control. Both roles carry significant risks.
When couples struggle, it’s rarely just about communication techniques—it’s about how they experience each other emotionally. That’s something AI simply can’t perceive.
Think about the memorable movie “Up,” where the dream of a trip to Paradise Falls becomes a symbol of love and adventure. Just like that sweet fictional couple, each of you probably has dreams or aspirations you’ve quietly tucked away, waiting for “the right time.” But here’s the secret: the right time is now.
What sorts of things will build intimacy and closeness for you and yours? That depends on what you’re comfortable with—but playing it too safe is a mistake. Let loose, take some risks, and try any of these suggestions—or come up with your own!
Do you feel like your partner never listens, no matter how hard you try to get through to them? You’re not alone. Many couples experience communication breakdowns that leave one person feeling unheard and the other overwhelmed.
In my therapy practice, I often see this dynamic: one partner raises their voice, desperate to be understood, while the other shuts down. But the harder we push to be heard, the less space we create for connection.
If this sounds familiar, there’s hope. Learning how to calm conflict, listen actively, and communicate gently can transform your relationship.
Read more about how to break the cycle and reconnect.
Advice on how to find and keep friends in our over-busy lives: Blame the Internet and information overload, blame work culture, globalization, competition, and economic pressures, blame the increasing complexity of life, we’re all over-busy. Why make the effort to reach out to a friend when the couch is so comfy and the familiar comfort of screen-scrolling is just a finger flick away?
Congrats, you’ve got a first date coming up. You may have some jitters but don’t let them deter you from the task at hand: trying to have some fun while getting to know your date a little bit.
Serving active duty military, veterans, and their families.
