Luis Maimoni, LMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist in Long Beach, California

Category: Communicating (Page 2 of 2)

Do you feel understood?

Listen To Be Heard

Why Won't She Just Listen

Last week in my office, a husband sat across from me, clearly frustrated and agitated. His words came out fast and loud. “What can I say to get her to listen?” he asked, exasperated.

But here was the problem: his wife, sitting just a few feet away, was trying to listen. In fact, she’d been trying to speak for several minutes, but his rapid-fire interruptions kept cutting her off. I could see her shutting down, overwhelmed by the verbal onslaught.

After several attempts to slow him down, I raised my voice. “LISTEN TO HER.”

That got his attention. He stopped, giving his wife space to express her thoughts. The dynamic shifted.

This situation plays out in relationships all the time. One person feels unheard and ramps up their efforts to communicate. The other person, feeling overwhelmed, retreats or disengages. It’s a vicious cycle. And while the urge to demand attention is natural, it often has the opposite effect – it drowns the other person out.

What Can We Do Differently?

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert known for his decades of research, offers practical tools for managing conflict and communication. If you find yourself asking why your partner isn’t listening, he suggests asking yourself this: Are you listening to them?

Accept your partner’s influence by creating space for their feelings and desires. When you dominate the conversation, the message your partner hears is “my way or the highway.”  Nothing good comes from that. 

Not every issue in a relationship can be neatly solved. People who are successful in relationships understand that keeping an open dialogue prevents small issues from becoming bigger ones.

Pro Tip: Pay Attention to Yourself. 

When conversations heat up, it’s easy to become emotionally overwhelmed. Your heart races, your muscles tense, and suddenly you’re in fight-or-flight mode. If you don’t recognize your emotional state, your brain shifts into survival gear.

In those moments, take a break. Step away for 20-30 minutes, do something calming, and return when you’re ready to engage without defensiveness.

Start Softly

When you come back to the conversation, Start Softly. Begin difficult conversations with a gentle approach. Use “I” statements to express needs, like “I’m frustrated because I’m doing as much as I can, and it never seems like it’s enough. I need you to acknowledge that I’m trying.”

The cartoon that inspired this blog might be a little bit over the top. Even so, it’s a complaint I’ve listened to many times:

Try Listening.

WHY WON’T SHE JUST LISTEN?

The irony is clear. The louder he shouts, the less he’s heard. The answer might not lie in talking more or “saying the right thing.” Often, it begins with listening – really listening – to the person sitting across from us.

Next time you feel unheard, pause. Ask yourself if you’re making space for your partner to speak. The shift may start with you.

 

 

Finding Meaningful Connections in a Busy World

The other day, I heard about a woman in a therapist group who was struggling with loneliness as an “empty nester.” She wanted to build friendships and perhaps find a romantic partner, but despite her efforts to engage in groups and host events, she found that people didn’t seem to connect with her. She described her past friendships as “one-sided” and “surface level.”

Her frustration was clear. She was always the one initiating conversations and keeping things going. When she stopped trying, the friendships faded away. She was looking for people who were willing to invest in the relationship as much as she was.

Her question was simple: How do people find meaningful connections anymore?

There were plenty of suggestions—be more intentional about the types of people you want to be around, spend time at farmers’ markets, museums, or the gym, and try social apps like Meetup.com.

These are all good ideas, but there’s a bigger issue that didn’t come up: maintaining a circle of friends requires effort. It would be wonderful if friendships maintained themselves effortlessly, but in our busy, distracted world, that’s rarely the case. The woman’s experience might have less to do with her and more to do with the fast-paced, over-committed lifestyles we all lead.

Blame the Internet and information overload, blame work culture, globalization, competition, and economic pressures—we’re all overwhelmed. When the couch is so comfortable and screen-scrolling is just a flick away, it’s easy to let friendships slip.

Sure, she wants to be pursued in her friendships—don’t we all? But sometimes, when we’re tired and need our privacy, even the idea of maintaining a connection can feel exhausting.

Let’s face it: making and keeping friends as adults takes more effort. When we were younger, friendships formed naturally because we saw the same people every day at school. Now, as adults, we move around, and staying connected requires deliberate action.

So, what’s the solution? It seems we need a friendship formula. Interestingly enough, I found a pretty good one dating back to the early 1600s. In Act 1, Scene 3 of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius gives some timeless advice.

Let’s take inspiration from Shakespeare and keep nurturing our connections.

There, my blessing with thee.

And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar.

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel,
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear ’t that th’ opposèd may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear but few thy voice.

Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not expressed in fancy—rich, not gaudy,
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell. My blessing season this in thee.

 

Love More. Fight Less.

So: things have been tough on the home front. Arguing, nagging. Avoiding the problem to keep the peace. One doesn’t listen. The other doesn’t understand. Sound familiar? If that’s your life, read on: recent research shows us new ways to get your relationship back on track.

The Research

John and Julie Gottman are a couple of PhDs who created a “Love Lab” — an apartment laboratory equipped with computers, video cameras, physiological sensors, and other equipment — to study interactions between couples over time. It’s a little bit like the TV show “Big Brother,” only with more sensors.

The good news: over a three-year period featuring thousands of conflicts, the subjects of the Love Lab almost ALWAYS tried to repair the problem. In other words, even in conflicted relationships, good intentions remained. The bad news, as you might have guessed, is that some folks succeeded with repairs, while others escalated into “negative behaviors” — yelling, fighting, withholding, etc. Also, probably not a surprise to you: couples that exited the conflicts and patched things up had better and longer lasting relationships than couples that didn’t. The bottom line: if you can minimize the “negative outcomes,” you’ll be well on your way.

The Gottmans analyzed the conflicts to learn how couples moved from attack-defend to collaboration-trust. One strategy employed by many of the subjects was avoidance. Unfortunately, avoiding the difficult topics and conflicts that are a natural part of any relationship let them fester, making them harder to treat as time moved on. Better than avoidance, researchers identified a two-part approach to taking on differences: when approaching a difficult topic, begin the conversation gently, and take responsibility for at least part of the problem.

The “How To”

When we’re not getting along, we usually feel like we’re doing more than our fair share of giving. It’s tough to start a conversation admitting that we might be partly wrong. But this is what we have to do: the research has shown that we’ll only be able to get to our relationship happy place if we work from a position of mutual interest rather than self-interest. It seems counterintuitive: giving without getting seems like lousy negotiating. But do you really want to spend your time keeping and arguing about the “score”? Wouldn’t you rather put your energy into creating love, caring, and trust?

Of course you would. But if you are in a relationship where trust is difficult, it may help for you to understand the emotions driving your partner’s trust-busting behaviors. In practical terms, this means understanding that behind everything that you are being asked to give (the negative), there is a longing, and behind that longing, a positive need. You might be seeing anger, but what is driving the anger is usually an unmet need, such as a need for loving attention. If you’re seeing fear, you may be seeing an unmet need to feel safe. If you’re seeing sadness, there may be unexpressed loss. Instead of confronting the emotion, identify the unmet need and turn towards it.

Again, this may seem counter-intuitive: you are trying to be listened to and understood, yet the research calls for you to listen and understand. Here’s why: if the person you’re with is angry, or scared, or sad, are they truly able to meet your needs? If you can accept their feelings and turn your attention to meeting the positive needs behind them, doesn’t it make sense that they’ll be more empowered to turn towards your needs the next time?

You may find it easier said than done. If that’s the case, consider seeking professional support.

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