Category: Money

Column J: Hidden Resentments

According to a YouGov survey, 28% of couples fight about money. Worse, research on everyday marital conflicts finds that money related disputes tend to last longer, recur more often, feel more significant, and are less likely to be resolved than fights about other topics.

Money isn’t just money—it’s love, safety, fairness, freedom, and the irritation stemming from “Why did you blow $550 on new headphones when we can’t afford to fix the dishwasher?”

So, let’s bust a myth: “Separate bank accounts mean we won’t fight about money.” Cute idea. Too bad it doesn’t work.

You don’t get financial freedom just because you each have your own debit card. You still share a mortgage/rent, groceries, insurance, and the joy of streaming bills. Separate accounts don’t erase interdependence—they just make it easier to pretend.

The “I’ll Pay X, You Pay Y” Illusion

Dividing bills sounds so tidy: “You cover rent, I’ll take utilities.” Done, right? Wrong. That’s not a financial plan—it’s a roommate agreement.

Here’s what that neat little math “solution” ignores:

• Income gaps = power gaps. The partner earning less often feels like they have less voice in how money is spent.
• Not all contributions are financial. Housework, childcare, and emotional labor don’t show up in a checking account, but hey: this is a relationship blog. Ignore those contributions at your peril.
• Hidden resentments thrive in silence. What feels “fair” to one partner may feel forced or inequitable to the other.

The truth is, “I’ll pay X, you pay Y” is a shortcut. And shortcuts in relationships usually mean skipping the hard stuff—like values, fairness, and trust… foundational elements of a healthy intimate relationship.

California Reality Check

Quick disclaimer: I’m a therapist, not your lawyer. If you need legal advice, talk to one.

For married couples in California (and other community property states), separate accounts don’t actually mean separate assets. You might feel more independent, but the court may see it differently.

Which brings us back to the real question: Are you using separate accounts for healthy autonomy—or as a way to keep secrets? If you can’t show your partner your bank statement, but you’re fine letting them see you drool in your sleep, we might need to talk about your definition of “healthy autonomy”.

Relationship First, Money Second

Money fights aren’t usually about money.

Fights about money – and agreements about money – are fights and agreements about the relationship. So before you even touch the numbers, ask yourselves: What kind of team do we want to be?

• Do we want an all-in partnership with full financial transparency?
• Or do we want to allow for individual autonomy—and if so, how much?

Put bluntly: if you’re ready to share a life together but not your financial truths, don’t be surprised when trust issues show up in both places.

Separate (but still huge) factor: your family of origin shaped your comfort with money long before you met your partner. If no one ever taught you to budget, or money was a taboo topic in your house, then you’ve got some extra work to do. You can’t commit to what you don’t understand.

Household Finance Hack

Here’s a hack that works for most couples:

1. Start with values. What matters more—security, fun, generosity, growth? Name them together.
2. Fund “Ours” first. Housing, food, insurance, kids, savings, shared goals. Take care of the team before the individuals.
3. Then carve out discretionary dollars. Note: dollars, not categories. That means your slice of money is yours to spend—no judgment. If you want three boxes of donuts, a new purse, or the latest Apple Watch, that’s your business. No snark from your partner required.
4. Automate visibility. Use apps like Mint, YNAB, or Monarch to track spending and categorize it automatically. That way no one partner ends up stuck playing Accountant of Doom at the kitchen table with a spreadsheet.
   • And here’s the key: everyone contributing to the budget gets to see the budget and the spending. Even if a partner isn’t at all interested in the money, knowing they can see whatever they want to see whenever they want to see it is a sure fire way to build trust and safety.

Bottom Line

Separate accounts don’t stop fights. Shared clarity doesn’t guarantee peace either—but it gives you a fighting chance. Autonomy only works if it’s framed as “this is for me” and understood as “it’s still part of us.”

Your money system is an expression of your relationship. Decide what kind of relationship you want, and let the money plan reflect that. Otherwise, you’re just roommates with benefits and joint Wi-Fi (and maybe a couple of shared streaming passwords).

Nice watch!

If you’ve ever had a “money fight” with your partner, chances are you weren’t really fighting about the money.

Sure, it might look like a debate over a purchase, a budget, or a bank account — but beneath the surface, money often stands in for something bigger and messier.

Why We Spend the Way We Spend

Sometimes a purchase is just a purchase — a new pair of shoes, a bigger TV, a dinner out.

But just as often, it’s not about the thing itself. It’s about what the thing means to us:

• A pair of shoes that says, Look at me!
• A TV so big it says, I deserve to feel like I’m at the game!
• A fancy dinner out that says, We’re celebrating, woo-hoo!

These aren’t bad impulses; they’re human ones. The trouble comes when the special meaning we gave an item — knowingly or not — runs headlong into our partner’s reaction.

How Shame Gets Pulled Into the Room

When you buy something to validate yourself — the watch, the purse, the car, the splurge dinner — you want your partner to celebrate it with you.

Instead, you hear:

“Do we really need that?”
“That’s too much money.”

In an instant, what felt like fun (and maybe self-care) can turn into self-doubt and resentment. The good feelings are replaced by shame or defensiveness — not because of the item itself, but because your partner has (perhaps unintentionally) invalidated what it meant to you.

The Emotional Math Behind Money

We like to believe our spending decisions are logical.

Mostly, they’re not.

Even in business, after the spreadsheets and scorecards, final decisions often come down to an emotion-based choice between similar options. The difference? At work, your spouse isn’t standing there with a raised eyebrow.

In a relationship, every purchase lives inside a shared emotional space. That space might be:

• Open and trusting – where curiosity outweighs criticism.
• Tense and mistrustful – where each purchase feels like a test.
• A mix of both – like the famous box of chocolates: you never know what you’re going to get.

The Role of Upbringing

Our money habits didn’t start with our current partner. Early messages from family, culture, and past relationships shape how we spend — and how we react to our partner’s spending.

• If your childhood taught you that spending is indulgent or unsafe, you may hear judgment even when none is intended.
  • If you grew up so resource-strapped you were begging neighbors to pick their weeds so your mom could cook them for dinner, spending might always carry a faint sense of danger, even in good times.
• If you grew up equating spending with success, being questioned can feel like being told you’re not successful enough.
• If you grew up with wealth and privilege, you may see spending as natural and unremarkable — which can clash with a partner who treats every dollar as a decision.

Those early experiences don’t disappear when we become adults. They ride along with us — and sometimes, they’re the ones really doing the talking in a money fight.

Practical Takeaways

• Name the need – Ask yourself: Am I buying this to meet a practical need or an emotional one? Focus not just on what you buy, but why you buy it — and consider whether that “why” is influenced by your early money experiences.
• Set “no-discussion” thresholds – Agree that purchases under $X don’t require consultation.
• Separate autonomy from secrecy – Personal spending freedom doesn’t have to mean financial blind spots.
• Use a values-based budget – Align your spending plan with what matters most to both of you.

Ask This Before Your Next “Money Fight”

• Is this actually about money? Are we talking about rent money — or resentment money?
• Is this a values clash? Are we disagreeing about what matters, or about the price tag?
• Am I buying this to feel worthy? If so, is there a healthier way to meet that need?

Bottom Line

If you’re fighting over a $75 purse when the bills are paid, the fight probably isn’t about the purse. But if the account is empty and someone buys the latest gadget, it may be an attempt to fill a self-worth gap that money can’t actually fill.

Talking openly — even about the shame stuff — can help you both see what’s really at stake. Because if you only ever talk about the dollars, you risk missing the truth hiding underneath.

Shhhh… We Don’t Talk About Money!

We need to talk about money.
Which is awkward, because most of us were taught not to.

It’s a little strange, isn’t it? We spend so much time thinking about money, worrying about it, trying to stretch it. We tell ourselves it’s not what matters most. That it doesn’t define us. Meanwhile, we casually refer to rich people as having a “high net worth.”

Truth is, money touches nearly every part of our lives—identity, security, autonomy, trust, power, love, and sometimes even lust.
But talking about it? That’s where we draw the line.

Ask someone about their income, credit card debt, or whether they can actually afford that trip to Italy, and you’ve committed a social sin. It’s “none of your business.” And that silence? That’s no way to build a shared financial life.

How Did We Get Here?

Our discomfort didn’t start with budgeting apps or forgotten Venmo requests. It started much earlier.

Maybe your parents tried to protect you by keeping money stress a secret. Or maybe you asked how much something cost and got scolded for being “nosy.” Maybe Aunt Bea and Uncle Arthur got dragged in whispered tones at Thanksgiving for living beyond their means.
Growing up in that kind of environment, you may have learned that money is sacred, private, off-limits—something to worry about, but never discuss.

Money comes with baggage. The family-sized kind. And enough cultural taboo to sink the Titanic—again.

So we avoid the topic. We split responsibilities, keep our accounts separate, and try not to rock the boat. We’re pretending to be 100% partners while acting like money doesn’t impact our relationship.

But here’s the thing: you are already communicating with your partner about money—whether you talk about it or not.

What That Blender Really Means

That $125 blender? In one family, it’s a thoughtful upgrade. In another, it’s a reckless impulse buy. Same object. Completely different meanings.

And here’s the real kicker: those meanings usually go unspoken. We don’t talk about the spending until the rent is past due or the check bounces. So the only time we do talk about money is when we’re already stressed about it. Not exactly a recipe for healthy communication.

You Don’t Have to Wing It

If love is supposed to conquer all, why does it struggle so hard when it comes to money?

Because money isn’t just numbers and budgets. It’s history. It’s identity. It’s power, trust, and emotional safety. It’s the story we’ve lived—and the one we’re still writing together.

Over the next few posts, we’ll unpack why money is such a loaded topic—and how to make those conversations easier, more connected, and a little less terrifying.

Because while love can conquer a lot, it doesn’t pay the bills (#FlyingLizards). And besides—it shouldn’t have to.

You don’t need a spreadsheet.
You need a brave conversation.