Luis Maimoni, LMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist in Long Beach, California

Category: Relationships (Page 2 of 2)

How well are you getting along?

Listen To Be Heard

Why Won't She Just Listen

Last week in my office, a husband sat across from me, clearly frustrated and agitated. His words came out fast and loud. “What can I say to get her to listen?” he asked, exasperated.

But here was the problem: his wife, sitting just a few feet away, was trying to listen. In fact, she’d been trying to speak for several minutes, but his rapid-fire interruptions kept cutting her off. I could see her shutting down, overwhelmed by the verbal onslaught.

After several attempts to slow him down, I raised my voice. “LISTEN TO HER.”

That got his attention. He stopped, giving his wife space to express her thoughts. The dynamic shifted.

This situation plays out in relationships all the time. One person feels unheard and ramps up their efforts to communicate. The other person, feeling overwhelmed, retreats or disengages. It’s a vicious cycle. And while the urge to demand attention is natural, it often has the opposite effect – it drowns the other person out.

What Can We Do Differently?

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert known for his decades of research, offers practical tools for managing conflict and communication. If you find yourself asking why your partner isn’t listening, he suggests asking yourself this: Are you listening to them?

Accept your partner’s influence by creating space for their feelings and desires. When you dominate the conversation, the message your partner hears is “my way or the highway.”  Nothing good comes from that. 

Not every issue in a relationship can be neatly solved. People who are successful in relationships understand that keeping an open dialogue prevents small issues from becoming bigger ones.

Pro Tip: Pay Attention to Yourself. 

When conversations heat up, it’s easy to become emotionally overwhelmed. Your heart races, your muscles tense, and suddenly you’re in fight-or-flight mode. If you don’t recognize your emotional state, your brain shifts into survival gear.

In those moments, take a break. Step away for 20-30 minutes, do something calming, and return when you’re ready to engage without defensiveness.

Start Softly

When you come back to the conversation, Start Softly. Begin difficult conversations with a gentle approach. Use “I” statements to express needs, like “I’m frustrated because I’m doing as much as I can, and it never seems like it’s enough. I need you to acknowledge that I’m trying.”

The cartoon that inspired this blog might be a little bit over the top. Even so, it’s a complaint I’ve listened to many times:

Try Listening.

WHY WON’T SHE JUST LISTEN?

The irony is clear. The louder he shouts, the less he’s heard. The answer might not lie in talking more or “saying the right thing.” Often, it begins with listening – really listening – to the person sitting across from us.

Next time you feel unheard, pause. Ask yourself if you’re making space for your partner to speak. The shift may start with you.

 

 

Finding Meaningful Connections in a Busy World

The other day, I heard about a woman in a therapist group who was struggling with loneliness as an “empty nester.” She wanted to build friendships and perhaps find a romantic partner, but despite her efforts to engage in groups and host events, she found that people didn’t seem to connect with her. She described her past friendships as “one-sided” and “surface level.”

Her frustration was clear. She was always the one initiating conversations and keeping things going. When she stopped trying, the friendships faded away. She was looking for people who were willing to invest in the relationship as much as she was.

Her question was simple: How do people find meaningful connections anymore?

There were plenty of suggestions—be more intentional about the types of people you want to be around, spend time at farmers’ markets, museums, or the gym, and try social apps like Meetup.com.

These are all good ideas, but there’s a bigger issue that didn’t come up: maintaining a circle of friends requires effort. It would be wonderful if friendships maintained themselves effortlessly, but in our busy, distracted world, that’s rarely the case. The woman’s experience might have less to do with her and more to do with the fast-paced, over-committed lifestyles we all lead.

Blame the Internet and information overload, blame work culture, globalization, competition, and economic pressures—we’re all overwhelmed. When the couch is so comfortable and screen-scrolling is just a flick away, it’s easy to let friendships slip.

Sure, she wants to be pursued in her friendships—don’t we all? But sometimes, when we’re tired and need our privacy, even the idea of maintaining a connection can feel exhausting.

Let’s face it: making and keeping friends as adults takes more effort. When we were younger, friendships formed naturally because we saw the same people every day at school. Now, as adults, we move around, and staying connected requires deliberate action.

So, what’s the solution? It seems we need a friendship formula. Interestingly enough, I found a pretty good one dating back to the early 1600s. In Act 1, Scene 3 of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius gives some timeless advice.

Let’s take inspiration from Shakespeare and keep nurturing our connections.

There, my blessing with thee.

And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar.

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel,
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear ’t that th’ opposèd may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear but few thy voice.

Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not expressed in fancy—rich, not gaudy,
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell. My blessing season this in thee.

 

Breaking the Ice on a First Date

Congrats, you’ve got a first date coming up. You may have some jitters but don’t let them deter you from the task at hand: trying to have some fun while getting to know your date a little bit This means getting the vibe as well as the whole person.

The Vibe: Do you feel a connection? A spark? How does it feel to be with them?

The Whole Person: What about their friends, their family, their relationships, their values, their interests, and activities?

Break the Ice

First things first: establish rapport. Don’t assume that your prior text and phone conversations created some sort of connection. You’re face to face, and it’s different.

It’s easiest to establish rapport with someone else when you’re relaxed. Calm your nerves by using deep breathing (or another technique, but preferably not shots of tequila). If you’re anxious, it’ll make your date anxious. If you’re at ease, it will be easier for your date to be at ease.

Once you’re together, pay attention to what is said, and what isn’t said. Notice body language. Most human communication is non-verbal. Keep it light, and stay away from questions. Instead, notice something praiseworthy or notable in your date. Make observations and compliments, e.g., “I love this idea of going for a walk for a first date,” or “You have such great hair!” Yes, it’s banal but you’re at the earliest stages of getting to know someone. Play it safe, and notice how your date responds. If you see a face that lights up, or animated body movements, press on. If you see broken eye contact and body stiffness, go another direction.

Once there is a good flow back and forth, you can start the with non-threatening questions, such as “What’s your favorite movie,” or “Who is someone you admire?” Those easy ice-breakers may carry you through most of the date, and that’s fine. But, If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, follow with a question or two about childhood and growing up, or about prior relationships. If you pay attention, you’ll gain a trove of information that will help you decide if you’re up for another date.

Good luck and have fun!

Hot Tips for Hot Dates

Dating: love it or hate it, it’s something we all go through to find intimate relationships. Unfortunately, it can get complicated. Here are five hot tips for avoiding the nots and finding the hots!

Hot Tip #1 – Make Your List

Before you venture out, think about what you’re looking for. Smart? Witty? Legs, hair, or butt? How tall? Religious/spiritual practices? Do spelling and punctuation matter? Politics? Bad girl or Prince Charming? Children? Education? Community organizer, corporate manager, or couch surfer? Looking for commitment or looking for fun? Don’t forget about sex: is it done at night, under the covers, in the dark? Or swinging from a chandelier in a sparkling pink suit?

This above all: to thine own self be true. Don’t let the values of others guide your decisions. If you’re looking for a partner with a great body or a deep wallet, don’t be ashamed of being “shallow.” You are the only one you must please.

Today’s technologies make it easy to connect with billions of people, but it’s not physically possible to date them all. Be selective! Make your list, check it twice, and find venues where your possible partners are likely to be. The fisherfolk know the ocean is vast and cast their nets where the fish are.

If you’re struggling to make a list, you may not have a clear idea of what you’re looking for. Instead of dating, consider participating in group social events (clubs, church) and pay attention to what you’re attracted to.

Hot Tip #2 – Be Emotionally Ready

Dating is not the place to overcome co-dependency. Don’t try to find the “one who will complete you.” Al-Anon and other support groups, good friends, and therapy work waaaaaaay better.

Hot Tip #3 – Honesty is the Best Policy

Be honest in your online profile. Include recent pix of your face and body (clothed is preferred). Yes, you’ll get more inquiries/responses if you puff yourself up, but those relationships aren’t going to go anywhere, and you’ll waste everyone’s time. You can make up for any deficits you feel you have by sharing something unique about yourself. Bonus Tip: a little humor in your profile goes a long way.

Hot Tip #4 – Try Shutting Up

If you’re a talker, be sure to give your date a chance to define themselves with some measured silence. Don’t make them feel uncomfortable or pressured. Do notice what they come up with when you give them a chance to fill the “unstructured conversation space.” Will they talk for five straight minutes without checking in to see if you’re interested? Can they lead a conversation as well as follow? If you pay sufficient attention to what they say and do, you’ll learn about the interests, opinions, and insights they’ll bring into the relationship.

Hot Tip #5 – Is This One “The One”?

Keep your first couple of dates to an hour or less. Be fully present and pay close attention to what you see and hear. It is easy to get sucked in to romance, and our unmet emotional needs (you wouldn’t be dating if you didn’t have unmet emotional needs) can drown out the yellow and red flags our thinking brains would otherwise notice. After the date, replay the time you spent together in your mind. How did s/he treat others? Where was your date’s attention focused?

During your review, pay attention to your gut instincts. Are you left feeling attracted? Anxious? Irritated for some reason you cannot explain? Our emotional systems aren’t always correct or logical, but they sometimes pick up on things our cognitive systems miss. If you can’t figure out why you’re feeling about how your date went, spend some quality time with yourself reflecting on the experience and see if you can figure it out.

If you are seeking a serious relationship, then trust is a must. Most of us have, at one time or another, been burned by a romantic partner, and want to avoid repeating the experience. To make an informed decision about trust, date with your head as well as your heart. Think clearly about how the relationship has developed from your very first contact. Was what was said and done congruent? For example, if they said they’d be there at 2:00, but breezed in at 2:30, can you rely on them to be on-time next time? If they said they’re over their break-up, why did they keep bringing up their ex? If they said they’re financially successful, why is it that you’re always the one picking up the check? If they said they’re single, why is it that they can only talk to you at certain times? When words aren’t “congruent” with actions, believe the actions every time.

Your Hot Date Awaits

Technology has made it easier than ever to meet people. On the other hand, things on the Internet aren’t always what they seem. Have fun, but be safe. Good luck out there.

Interviews on Aggression

I was interviewed by LucentTALKS about aggression.

What is aggression? What are the warning signs? How do you know if you’re overly aggressive? What are the “red flags” to be “on the lookout for” in your partner?

If you’re interested, here is what I had to say (it’s a two part interview):

What is Aggression? 

Is Your Partner Aggressive? 

 

Love More. Fight Less.

So: things have been tough on the home front. Arguing, nagging. Avoiding the problem to keep the peace. One doesn’t listen. The other doesn’t understand. Sound familiar? If that’s your life, read on: recent research shows us new ways to get your relationship back on track.

The Research

John and Julie Gottman are a couple of PhDs who created a “Love Lab” — an apartment laboratory equipped with computers, video cameras, physiological sensors, and other equipment — to study interactions between couples over time. It’s a little bit like the TV show “Big Brother,” only with more sensors.

The good news: over a three-year period featuring thousands of conflicts, the subjects of the Love Lab almost ALWAYS tried to repair the problem. In other words, even in conflicted relationships, good intentions remained. The bad news, as you might have guessed, is that some folks succeeded with repairs, while others escalated into “negative behaviors” — yelling, fighting, withholding, etc. Also, probably not a surprise to you: couples that exited the conflicts and patched things up had better and longer lasting relationships than couples that didn’t. The bottom line: if you can minimize the “negative outcomes,” you’ll be well on your way.

The Gottmans analyzed the conflicts to learn how couples moved from attack-defend to collaboration-trust. One strategy employed by many of the subjects was avoidance. Unfortunately, avoiding the difficult topics and conflicts that are a natural part of any relationship let them fester, making them harder to treat as time moved on. Better than avoidance, researchers identified a two-part approach to taking on differences: when approaching a difficult topic, begin the conversation gently, and take responsibility for at least part of the problem.

The “How To”

When we’re not getting along, we usually feel like we’re doing more than our fair share of giving. It’s tough to start a conversation admitting that we might be partly wrong. But this is what we have to do: the research has shown that we’ll only be able to get to our relationship happy place if we work from a position of mutual interest rather than self-interest. It seems counterintuitive: giving without getting seems like lousy negotiating. But do you really want to spend your time keeping and arguing about the “score”? Wouldn’t you rather put your energy into creating love, caring, and trust?

Of course you would. But if you are in a relationship where trust is difficult, it may help for you to understand the emotions driving your partner’s trust-busting behaviors. In practical terms, this means understanding that behind everything that you are being asked to give (the negative), there is a longing, and behind that longing, a positive need. You might be seeing anger, but what is driving the anger is usually an unmet need, such as a need for loving attention. If you’re seeing fear, you may be seeing an unmet need to feel safe. If you’re seeing sadness, there may be unexpressed loss. Instead of confronting the emotion, identify the unmet need and turn towards it.

Again, this may seem counter-intuitive: you are trying to be listened to and understood, yet the research calls for you to listen and understand. Here’s why: if the person you’re with is angry, or scared, or sad, are they truly able to meet your needs? If you can accept their feelings and turn your attention to meeting the positive needs behind them, doesn’t it make sense that they’ll be more empowered to turn towards your needs the next time?

You may find it easier said than done. If that’s the case, consider seeking professional support.

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