Luis Maimoni, LMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist in Long Beach, California

Category: Relationships (Page 3 of 4)

How well are you getting along?

How a History of Trauma Impacts Intimate Relationships

Guest Post by Steven Kilmann, LMFT, MD

When someone begins the journey of healing, it’s often because past pain has started to echo into their present—especially in their closest relationships.

I know this firsthand.

After surviving childhood abuse, I struggled for years to feel truly safe with anyone.

Even when I found someone kind and patient, I couldn’t let my guard down.

Everything felt like a potential threat—an argument, a misunderstood text, even a surprise hug.

Trauma has a way of making your nervous system feel like it’s constantly on red alert, even when there’s no real danger anymore.

That’s the hard truth: trauma changes how we connect with others.

It interrupts our ability to trust, to be vulnerable, and to feel secure in love.

And these effects don’t go away just because we’ve found the “right” person.

If this sounds familiar, working with the right therapist – a therapist trained and experienced in the ways trauma impacts relationships – can make a world of difference.

They help untangle the past from the present, so love doesn’t always feel like a battlefield.

Trauma and the Body: Why Safety Comes First

Before we even think about love, the body wants to feel safe.

But trauma—especially developmental trauma—rewires our brain and nervous system.

It’s like driving a car with the brakes stuck on.

You want to move forward, but something’s always holding you back.

This internal braking system shows up in relationships as shutdowns, dissociation, and withdrawal.

Or, on the flip side, it can look like panic, rage, and hypervigilance.

These reactions aren’t choices—they’re survival strategies.

If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I don’t know why I reacted like that”, you’re not alone.

The truth is, your body probably responded before your brain even had time to catch up.

That’s why somatic approaches in therapy are often crucial.

A good trauma-informed therapist will focus on restoring regulation—helping the body relearn what calm and connection feel like.

Because love can’t thrive where safety is missing.

The Invisible Impact on Communication

One of the most subtle ways trauma affects relationships is in how we speak and listen.

I used to assume people were mad at me even when they weren’t.

A neutral tone of voice? I’d hear judgment.

A pause in conversation? I’d assume rejection.

Trauma primes us to expect harm, even when there’s none.

This makes honest communication incredibly difficult.

We either silence ourselves to avoid conflict, or we speak from a place of defense.

That’s why so many trauma survivors feel misunderstood or isolated—even in long-term relationships.

Therapists trained in trauma recovery often use attachment-based methods to repair this.

They assist clients in identifying triggers and provide tools to respond rather than react.

Over time, that rewiring builds emotional resilience—and relationships that can weather conflict instead of collapsing under it.

Intimacy Triggers: When Touch Isn’t Comforting

For many trauma survivors, physical touch—something that should be soothing—can become complicated.

This is especially true if the trauma involved the body or boundaries being violated.

Even something as simple as cuddling can feel threatening.

I once dated someone who couldn’t understand why I froze every time he touched my back unexpectedly.

It wasn’t about him—it was about memories my body hadn’t let go of.

This is where trauma-informed couples therapy can help both partners.

It creates a language around triggers, so there’s less shame and confusion.

You learn to ask for what you need, whether it’s slower pacing, more verbal reassurance, or clear physical boundaries.

And in doing that, you reclaim agency over your own body.

You redefine what safety feels like—on your terms.

Why Relationships Often Feel “Too Much” or “Not Enough”

One common pattern I’ve seen—and lived—is the cycle of pushing people away just when they get close.

You crave intimacy but panic when it shows up.

Or you feel nothing when someone finally gives you the love you wanted.

This push-pull dynamic is often rooted in attachment wounds.

If your early relationships taught you that love equals danger, then closeness becomes confusing.

Healing this isn’t about just “thinking positively.”

It takes repeated, safe relational experiences—often beginning in the therapy room.

A skilled trauma recovery specialist will model the kind of consistent, nonjudgmental presence that helps reset your attachment system.

From there, you learn how to tolerate closeness without feeling overwhelmed.

And slowly, connection starts to feel possible again.

Real-Life Healing Is Messy—But Worth It

I won’t sugarcoat it.

Healing from trauma is uncomfortable, especially when it touches your romantic life.

It brings up grief for the versions of love you didn’t get.

It forces you to confront old beliefs like “I’m too much” or “I’m unlovable.”

But it also opens the door to new possibilities.

I’ve seen people go from being emotionally shut down to laughing freely with a partner.

I’ve watched someone who thought they could “never trust again” walk down the aisle.

That kind of growth doesn’t happen overnight.

But with the right guidance, it’s absolutely possible.

The Role of a Therapist in Relationship Healing

A trauma recovery therapist does more than just talk through your past.

They guide you in real-time through the relational patterns that are playing out today.

They notice when you shut down, help you unpack why, and offer new ways of relating that feel safer.

They don’t just analyze—they attune.

They provide a reparative relationship that lays the foundation for healthier ones outside the therapy room.

And if you’re partnered, they can help your loved one understand what trauma does to the brain, body, and heart.

That kind of education builds empathy—and empathy builds intimacy.

Healing Isn’t Linear, But It’s Possible

You might still have days where love feels unsafe.

Where trust feels fragile and your instincts tell you to retreat.

That’s normal.

Healing isn’t about becoming someone who’s “never triggered.”

It’s about learning how to stay present when you are.

It’s about knowing that you’re more than your trauma—and that your relationships can reflect that too.

If you have trauma in your history, know that your past is very likely impacting your present, and not in a good way. Working with a therapist that understands the impact of trauma on relationships has helped countless people move from survival mode into connection.

And you deserve that kind of love—safe, honest, and rooted in your healing.

Steven Kilmann, LMFT, MD, began his career in medicine after studying psySteven Kilmann, LMFT, MDchology at the University of Michigan and earning his medical degree from USC, ultimately serving over a decade as a physician at Cedars-Sinai. After facing burnout and addiction during a creative pivot, his journey through recovery led him to his true purpose—supporting others as a licensed therapist with a Master’s in Psychology from Antioch University.

 

Power, Chores, and the Trouble with Negotiation

A friend recently asked me to revisit a blog post I wrote called Relationships and Power. His takeaway?

“Everything in life is a negotiation.”

He’s not wrong—relational dynamics do involve give and take. But he went further, suggesting that couples should approach negotiations from a clear-headed, unemotional place to achieve outcomes that are fair to both partners.

I respect the intent. But I think there are a couple of problems with this idea when applied to intimate relationships.

First, the word “negotiation” carries baggage. It suggests tactics, strategy, maybe even a little manipulation. But when it comes to intimacy, we’re not aiming for leverage—we’re aiming for closeness. Vulnerability. Trust. Trying to “win” with your partner is a great way to lose the relationship.

Second, there’s an often-unspoken assumption baked into the negotiation model: that both partners are equal. Equal in voice, in privilege, in power. But life—and relationships—aren’t always that balanced. Power often follows privilege: money, time, gender roles, emotional availability. And when one partner has more of those resources, guess who usually wins the “negotiation”? (Hint: not the one doing the laundry.)

Which brings me to another issue: all too often, the person who cares most about a task ends up doing it—by default, not by discussion. According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, in marriages where both spouses earn about the same, women still spend significantly more time on caregiving and housework. And when no one’s talking about it, resentment builds quietly—until it doesn’t.

So yes, there is a place for negotiation in relationships. Someone has to figure out who’s putting the kids to bed, who’s paying the bills, who’s folding the towels (or pretending to fold them until someone else refolds them correctly).

But here’s the thing: negotiate like partners, not opponents. In business, a good negotiation ends in profit. In a relationship, a “win” often means someone loses trust or intimacy.

Try this instead:

  • ✅ Talk it out—even when it’s uncomfortable

  • ❌ Don’t hide from conflict or assume your partner “should just know”

  • ✅ Be transparent and curious about what each of you needs

  • ❌ Don’t keep score—this isn’t a game

  • ✅ Lean into emotional attunement, not strategy

In the end, it’s not about a perfect 50/50 split. It’s about creating a relationship that feels fair, flexible, and safe to both people.

Now, if you’ll excuse me—
someone’s gotta sweep the floor.

Relationships and Power

In therapy, I often hear frustration from people who feel their partner is overly controlling or stifling, preventing them from being their true selves. Lately, the buzzword seems to be “narcissist,” but relationship dynamics are rarely that simple.

Healthy relationships rely on mutual respect and balance. Many of us unknowingly carry patterns from our families into romantic relationships. Perhaps we learned that love comes from being quiet, compliant, or pleasing. Or maybe the only way to gain attention was to dominate and control. Both roles carry significant risks.

If you’re consistently compliant and pleasing, you’ll eventually feel invisible and resentful. Even dedicated people-pleasers reach a breaking point of exhaustion. Conversely, always trying to control outcomes leaves you frustrated and disappointed, because life—and partners—rarely align perfectly with expectations.

Power dynamics in relationships are often subtle and unspoken, marked by quiet manipulations—what I call “the iron fist in the velvet glove.” Many individuals fear pushing back or speaking up, believing it might risk their relationship. Yet, suppressing your voice long-term inevitably leads to resentment, tension, and mistrust.

Power exchanges can be healthy if openly discussed and consensual, with both partners feeling genuinely valued. Regardless of the dynamic, mutual appreciation and authenticity are essential.

There’s no single formula for a perfect relationship; each one is uniquely shaped by the individuals involved. However, relationships fail when only one partner is truly seen and heard.

If you habitually defer, start advocating for yourself in small ways—express your preferences, set boundaries, and speak honestly. Though initially uncomfortable, these actions can greatly strengthen your sense of self and the relationship itself.

Conversely, if controlling outcomes leaves you exhausted, consider stepping back and letting go of expectations. The relief you feel might surprise you.

As Abraham Lincoln famously said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Relationships, too, depend on unity, authenticity, and mutual respect to thrive.

Why AI Can’t Replace Your Therapist (Or Fix Your Relationships for You)

A recent study from Sentio University found that nearly half of people experiencing mental health challenges are turning to AI chatbots, such as ChatGPT, for support. AI can be helpful for structured interventions like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), psychoeducation, and self-regulation strategies. Apps that guide breathing exercises, track moods, or even offer scripted relationship advice can provide useful tools for individuals and couples.

But here’s the thing: if these approaches worked on their own, my clients wouldn’t be in therapy. Many of the couples and individuals I work with have already tried self-help apps, mindfulness exercises, and AI-guided interventions. While useful, these tools often fall short because they lack the very thing that makes therapy transformational—real human connection.

The Human Edge: Why Therapy Is More Than Techniques

AI can analyze language, provide insights, and even simulate warmth. But what it cannot do is attune to the complex emotional dynamics in relationships. When couples struggle, it’s rarely just about communication techniques—it’s about how they experience each other emotionally. That’s something AI simply can’t perceive.

Transference, Countertransference, and the AI Gap

Transference happens in all relationships—it’s the way we unknowingly transfer past relationship experiences onto our current ones, including with our partners. In therapy, I notice countertransference—my emotional reaction to a client—which can help me understand deeper patterns at play.

Let’s say a couple comes to therapy because one partner always feels dismissed, and the other feels unfairly blamed. AI might suggest “active listening” techniques—but if I, as the therapist, start to feel pushed away or blamed, that reaction tells me something deeper is happening. The way I feel in the session often mirrors what happens in their relationship. That insight allows me to guide them toward real change—something an AI therapist could never detect.

AI as a Tool, Not a Therapist

AI can help couples learn skills, but therapy about more than skills—it’s about transformation. Couples don’t just need better conflict resolution tools; they need a space where they feel deeply heard and understood, where they recognize how their past experiences shape their present struggles.

So, while AI can support mental health and relationships in practical ways, it cannot replace the emotional depth, attunement, and real-time relational feedback that human therapists provide. The difference isn’t just what we do—it’s who we are. And no AI can replicate that.

Dreams Come True is Relationship Glue

Dreams Come True is Relationship Glue

Dream small. Dream big. Just dream.

Life can feel like an endless to-do list. Between errands, chasing kids around, demanding work schedules, and maintaining a household, it’s easy to let your relationship take a backseat. Date nights might occasionally break up the routine, but lasting relationships require something deeper—a long-term glue that holds you together beyond just the next evening out.

What if that glue is your shared dreams?

Think about the memorable movie “Up,” where the dream of a trip to Paradise Falls becomes a symbol of love and adventure. Just like that sweet fictional couple, each of you probably has dreams or aspirations you’ve quietly tucked away, waiting for “the right time.” But here’s the secret: the right time is now.

When you carve out intentional moments to sit down together—without distractions, screens off, favorite beverages in hand—you can discover incredible insights into your partner’s hopes and aspirations. Conversations about your five-year or ten-year visions, even retirement dreams, can open doors to deeper connection and understanding.

When you dream together, you build a life that’s richer and more fulfilling than either of you could achieve alone. A strong “we” is almost always greater than “me.”

Pro Tip! Four Ways to Support Each Other’s Dreams:

  1. Financially: Support your partner’s dreams by planning and managing resources together.
  2. Emotionally: Be encouraging during their successes and a steady presence through challenges.
  3. Logistically: Help manage daily responsibilities, giving your partner space to focus on their goals.
  4. By Participating: Join your partner in their passions, creating memorable, shared experiences that strengthen your bond.

Your relationship thrives when you intentionally dream together and actively support each other’s journeys.

 

Rebuilding Connection: Let’s Play!

I’ve been working with couples who have weathered deep, painful conflicts and are trying to rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy. The wounds have been treated, but they’re still tender. They want to reconnect but find themselves hesitant—after so much tension and pain, it’s hard to open up again, to be vulnerable.

One of the most overlooked yet powerful ways to reconnect? Make a commitment to spend intentional time together—BEING with each other and DOING things together.

Many couples don’t drift apart because of a single crisis, but because they stop prioritizing their relationship in the daily grind. Work, kids, responsibilities—they all demand attention, and without realizing it, partners start living parallel lives instead of intertwined ones. Quality time gets reduced to zoning out in front of a screen. And while “Netflix and chill” has its place, passive time together does not build connection.

What sorts of things will build intimacy and closeness for you and yours? That depends on what you’re comfortable with—but playing it too safe is a mistake. Let loose, take some risks, and try any of these suggestions—or come up with your own!

🔥 Make sparks fly—literally. Grab a Wint-O-Green Life Saver, turn off the lights, and bite down together to see the flash. It’s science and magic.

🎶 Dance in the kitchen. Whether you’ve got rhythm or not, turn up a song you both love and move together while cooking or cleaning. A spontaneous dip or twirl earns bonus points.

🎨 Finger paint…on each other. Let go of expectations and just have fun making a mess. Who knows? You might discover a hidden artistic talent.

🍷 Wine tasting. Whiskey tasting. Beer tasting. You get the idea. Share the experience using all five senses (flavors, the textures, etc.) Bonus points for mentioning the memories they evoke.

🌊 Water balloon toss—indoors or out. Fill a balloon with just a little water and see how long you can toss it without popping. Outside, all bets are off.

🖐️ Clay challenge. Grab some air-dry clay and sculpt something for each other—a goofy animal, a meaningful symbol, or just whatever makes you both laugh. If that’s too much, pick up some Play-Doh and create something magical.

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s presence. It’s engagement. It’s connection.

Intimacy and closeness don’t happen without commitment. If you want to feel close again, you have to show up for each other—physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you start smiling together again, if you find laughter in the little things—you’re on your way to healing.

Listen To Be Heard

Why Won't She Just Listen

Last week in my office, a husband sat across from me, clearly frustrated and agitated. His words came out fast and loud. “What can I say to get her to listen?” he asked, exasperated.

But here was the problem: his wife, sitting just a few feet away, was trying to listen. In fact, she’d been trying to speak for several minutes, but his rapid-fire interruptions kept cutting her off. I could see her shutting down, overwhelmed by the verbal onslaught.

After several attempts to slow him down, I raised my voice. “LISTEN TO HER.”

That got his attention. He stopped, giving his wife space to express her thoughts. The dynamic shifted.

This situation plays out in relationships all the time. One person feels unheard and ramps up their efforts to communicate. The other person, feeling overwhelmed, retreats or disengages. It’s a vicious cycle. And while the urge to demand attention is natural, it often has the opposite effect – it drowns the other person out.

What Can We Do Differently?

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert known for his decades of research, offers practical tools for managing conflict and communication. If you find yourself asking why your partner isn’t listening, he suggests asking yourself this: Are you listening to them?

Accept your partner’s influence by creating space for their feelings and desires. When you dominate the conversation, the message your partner hears is “my way or the highway.”  Nothing good comes from that. 

Not every issue in a relationship can be neatly solved. People who are successful in relationships understand that keeping an open dialogue prevents small issues from becoming bigger ones.

Pro Tip: Pay Attention to Yourself. 

When conversations heat up, it’s easy to become emotionally overwhelmed. Your heart races, your muscles tense, and suddenly you’re in fight-or-flight mode. If you don’t recognize your emotional state, your brain shifts into survival gear.

In those moments, take a break. Step away for 20-30 minutes, do something calming, and return when you’re ready to engage without defensiveness.

Start Softly

When you come back to the conversation, Start Softly. Begin difficult conversations with a gentle approach. Use “I” statements to express needs, like “I’m frustrated because I’m doing as much as I can, and it never seems like it’s enough. I need you to acknowledge that I’m trying.”

The cartoon that inspired this blog might be a little bit over the top. Even so, it’s a complaint I’ve listened to many times:

Try Listening.

WHY WON’T SHE JUST LISTEN?

The irony is clear. The louder he shouts, the less he’s heard. The answer might not lie in talking more or “saying the right thing.” Often, it begins with listening – really listening – to the person sitting across from us.

Next time you feel unheard, pause. Ask yourself if you’re making space for your partner to speak. The shift may start with you.

 

 

Finding Meaningful Connections in a Busy World

The other day, I heard about a woman in a therapist group who was struggling with loneliness as an “empty nester.” She wanted to build friendships and perhaps find a romantic partner, but despite her efforts to engage in groups and host events, she found that people didn’t seem to connect with her. She described her past friendships as “one-sided” and “surface level.”

Her frustration was clear. She was always the one initiating conversations and keeping things going. When she stopped trying, the friendships faded away. She was looking for people who were willing to invest in the relationship as much as she was.

Her question was simple: How do people find meaningful connections anymore?

There were plenty of suggestions—be more intentional about the types of people you want to be around, spend time at farmers’ markets, museums, or the gym, and try social apps like Meetup.com.

These are all good ideas, but there’s a bigger issue that didn’t come up: maintaining a circle of friends requires effort. It would be wonderful if friendships maintained themselves effortlessly, but in our busy, distracted world, that’s rarely the case. The woman’s experience might have less to do with her and more to do with the fast-paced, over-committed lifestyles we all lead.

Blame the Internet and information overload, blame work culture, globalization, competition, and economic pressures—we’re all overwhelmed. When the couch is so comfortable and screen-scrolling is just a flick away, it’s easy to let friendships slip.

Sure, she wants to be pursued in her friendships—don’t we all? But sometimes, when we’re tired and need our privacy, even the idea of maintaining a connection can feel exhausting.

Let’s face it: making and keeping friends as adults takes more effort. When we were younger, friendships formed naturally because we saw the same people every day at school. Now, as adults, we move around, and staying connected requires deliberate action.

So, what’s the solution? It seems we need a friendship formula. Interestingly enough, I found a pretty good one dating back to the early 1600s. In Act 1, Scene 3 of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius gives some timeless advice.

Let’s take inspiration from Shakespeare and keep nurturing our connections.

There, my blessing with thee.

And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar.

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel,
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear ’t that th’ opposèd may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear but few thy voice.

Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not expressed in fancy—rich, not gaudy,
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell. My blessing season this in thee.

 

Breaking the Ice on a First Date

Congrats, you’ve got a first date coming up. You may have some jitters but don’t let them deter you from the task at hand: trying to have some fun while getting to know your date a little bit This means getting the vibe as well as the whole person.

The Vibe: Do you feel a connection? A spark? How does it feel to be with them?

The Whole Person: What about their friends, their family, their relationships, their values, their interests, and activities?

Break the Ice

First things first: establish rapport. Don’t assume that your prior text and phone conversations created some sort of connection. You’re face to face, and it’s different.

It’s easiest to establish rapport with someone else when you’re relaxed. Calm your nerves by using deep breathing (or another technique, but preferably not shots of tequila). If you’re anxious, it’ll make your date anxious. If you’re at ease, it will be easier for your date to be at ease.

Once you’re together, pay attention to what is said, and what isn’t said. Notice body language. Most human communication is non-verbal. Keep it light, and stay away from questions. Instead, notice something praiseworthy or notable in your date. Make observations and compliments, e.g., “I love this idea of going for a walk for a first date,” or “You have such great hair!” Yes, it’s banal but you’re at the earliest stages of getting to know someone. Play it safe, and notice how your date responds. If you see a face that lights up, or animated body movements, press on. If you see broken eye contact and body stiffness, go another direction.

Once there is a good flow back and forth, you can start the with non-threatening questions, such as “What’s your favorite movie,” or “Who is someone you admire?” Those easy ice-breakers may carry you through most of the date, and that’s fine. But, If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, follow with a question or two about childhood and growing up, or about prior relationships. If you pay attention, you’ll gain a trove of information that will help you decide if you’re up for another date.

Good luck and have fun!

Hot Tips for Hot Dates

Dating: love it or hate it, it’s something we all go through to find intimate relationships. Unfortunately, it can get complicated. Here are five hot tips for avoiding the nots and finding the hots!

Hot Tip #1 – Make Your List

Before you venture out, think about what you’re looking for. Smart? Witty? Legs, hair, or butt? How tall? Religious/spiritual practices? Do spelling and punctuation matter? Politics? Bad girl or Prince Charming? Children? Education? Community organizer, corporate manager, or couch surfer? Looking for commitment or looking for fun? Don’t forget about sex: is it done at night, under the covers, in the dark? Or swinging from a chandelier in a sparkling pink suit?

This above all: to thine own self be true. Don’t let the values of others guide your decisions. If you’re looking for a partner with a great body or a deep wallet, don’t be ashamed of being “shallow.” You are the only one you must please.

Today’s technologies make it easy to connect with billions of people, but it’s not physically possible to date them all. Be selective! Make your list, check it twice, and find venues where your possible partners are likely to be. The fisherfolk know the ocean is vast and cast their nets where the fish are.

If you’re struggling to make a list, you may not have a clear idea of what you’re looking for. Instead of dating, consider participating in group social events (clubs, church) and pay attention to what you’re attracted to.

Hot Tip #2 – Be Emotionally Ready

Dating is not the place to overcome co-dependency. Don’t try to find the “one who will complete you.” Al-Anon and other support groups, good friends, and therapy work waaaaaaay better.

Hot Tip #3 – Honesty is the Best Policy

Be honest in your online profile. Include recent pix of your face and body (clothed is preferred). Yes, you’ll get more inquiries/responses if you puff yourself up, but those relationships aren’t going to go anywhere, and you’ll waste everyone’s time. You can make up for any deficits you feel you have by sharing something unique about yourself. Bonus Tip: a little humor in your profile goes a long way.

Hot Tip #4 – Try Shutting Up

If you’re a talker, be sure to give your date a chance to define themselves with some measured silence. Don’t make them feel uncomfortable or pressured. Do notice what they come up with when you give them a chance to fill the “unstructured conversation space.” Will they talk for five straight minutes without checking in to see if you’re interested? Can they lead a conversation as well as follow? If you pay sufficient attention to what they say and do, you’ll learn about the interests, opinions, and insights they’ll bring into the relationship.

Hot Tip #5 – Is This One “The One”?

Keep your first couple of dates to an hour or less. Be fully present and pay close attention to what you see and hear. It is easy to get sucked in to romance, and our unmet emotional needs (you wouldn’t be dating if you didn’t have unmet emotional needs) can drown out the yellow and red flags our thinking brains would otherwise notice. After the date, replay the time you spent together in your mind. How did s/he treat others? Where was your date’s attention focused?

During your review, pay attention to your gut instincts. Are you left feeling attracted? Anxious? Irritated for some reason you cannot explain? Our emotional systems aren’t always correct or logical, but they sometimes pick up on things our cognitive systems miss. If you can’t figure out why you’re feeling about how your date went, spend some quality time with yourself reflecting on the experience and see if you can figure it out.

If you are seeking a serious relationship, then trust is a must. Most of us have, at one time or another, been burned by a romantic partner, and want to avoid repeating the experience. To make an informed decision about trust, date with your head as well as your heart. Think clearly about how the relationship has developed from your very first contact. Was what was said and done congruent? For example, if they said they’d be there at 2:00, but breezed in at 2:30, can you rely on them to be on-time next time? If they said they’re over their break-up, why did they keep bringing up their ex? If they said they’re financially successful, why is it that you’re always the one picking up the check? If they said they’re single, why is it that they can only talk to you at certain times? When words aren’t “congruent” with actions, believe the actions every time.

Your Hot Date Awaits

Technology has made it easier than ever to meet people. On the other hand, things on the Internet aren’t always what they seem. Have fun, but be safe. Good luck out there.

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