Category: Self-Care

Here’s a Crazy Idea: Have a Good Time

Nobody comes into my office saying, “We don’t laugh together anymore.”

But it’s not news that we’re living in heavy times. We’re surrounded by anger, fear, anxiety, and conflict. Many of us have cut back on the daily “news,” but still—it’s hard not to get splashed.

And whatever we feed on becomes part of us.

It shows up in our tone, our patience, our reactions—and ultimately, our relationships.

Here’s what does come into my office:

small fights becoming big, even when they’re about “nothing”
a loss of felt safety
breakdowns in trust

Those are not separate problems.
They’re the same problem.

Sometimes the Way Back Is Not Through “Deep Work”

Here’s something that surprises people:

When a relationship is strained, you don’t always have to rebuild it through hard work and processing old hurts.

Sometimes you can rebuild it through:

play
shared experiences
laughter

In other words—you rebuild connection by remembering how to enjoy each other again.

That doesn’t mean avoiding problems.
It means creating enough safety and warmth so the problems can actually be addressed.

No one opens up when everything feels heavy.

If you want more on rebuilding connection through play, you can find it here: Let’s Play!

Laughter Is Not Frivolous — It’s Functional

Research backs this up:

laughter lowers stress
reduces anxiety
improves physical health
increases bonding

But in relationships, it does something even more important:

It lowers defensiveness.

It creates moments where:

you’re not opponents
you’re not solving
you’re just… together

It’s obvious when you think about it.
It’s just that most of us don’t think about it.

If You Want More Laughter, You Have to Create It

Laughter doesn’t just show up in adult life.
You have to make room for it.

Here are a few ways to start:

Do Something Slightly Ridiculous

Adults optimize for efficiency. Kids optimize for fun.

Break the pattern:

go to a weird event
try something new
say yes to something you normally wouldn’t

Novelty creates laughter.

Borrow From a 9-Year-Old

Seriously.

Ask:
“What would a 9-year-old do here?”

Then do some version of that.

Make the pancake smiley face
Add the extra bubbles
Be more playful than necessary

It doesn’t have to be big.
It just has to be different.

Start a “Laugh File”

Save things that make you laugh:

memes
videos
random observations

Then share them.

Better yet, make it a small daily ritual:
“What made you laugh today?”

You’ll be surprised how quickly that shifts the tone.

Notice What’s Funny in Real Life

Your phone gives you a curated feed of other people’s lives.

Look up.

Pay attention to:

odd signs
strange phrasing
human quirks

The world is full of weird little moments that can lift your mood and create connection.

But first—you have to see them.

Build Inside Jokes

Do you and your partner have shared jokes, phrases, or observations?

If not, it’s worth creating them.

Gottman’s research shows that relationships with a strong bank of positive shared memories are more resilient over time. When those memories are mostly negative, the opposite is true.

Even difficult experiences can generate moments of humor—small phrases or observations that become part of your language.

That language becomes glue.

Curate your shared memories.
Build something that belongs just to the two of you.

What You Practice, You Spread

Emotions are contagious.

If you’re steeped in:

anger
anxiety
negativity

That will spread.

But so will:

laughter
warmth
lightness

You don’t control the world.
But you do have influence over what you bring into your relationship.

When the outside world spills into your relationship, fun, laughter, and play tend to leave.
And when they leave, connection is usually not far behind.

Bring On the Laughter

You don’t need to be funnier.
You don’t need to be a comedian.

You just need to be willing to create moments that are not heavy.

Because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do for your relationship is this:

Stop trying to fix everything… and go have a good time together.

If things feel stuck, tense, or distant, this isn’t a distraction from the work.

It may be the easiest doorway back into connection.

P.S. — You Can’t Do Both at the Same Time

One more thing.

It’s all well and good to say, “Have more fun, laugh more, lighten up.”
But the world has a way of pushing in—hard.

Many of us try to do both at once:
Stay engaged with the headlines… and be fully present with our partner.
Hold outrage… and hold connection.

That sounds reasonable. It isn’t.

Those are different emotional states, and they pull in opposite directions.

One asks you to be:

alert
defended
ready to respond

The other asks you to be:

open
relaxed
emotionally available

You cannot be both at the same time.
If you try, you’ll end up doing neither well.

So make your commitments.

Care about the world. Show up. Stay informed.
And also—build a strong, connected relationship.

Both matter.

But don’t try to do them simultaneously.

When you’re with your partner, treat that time as protected space—maybe even sacred.
Put down the outrage. Step out of the noise. Let yourself soften.

And when you step back into the world, do so with clarity and intention.

Connection and vigilance require different parts of you.
Give each of them its own time.

Families Are the Best Reason for Boundaries. Ever.

Everywhere you look, there’s advice on how to “get along with family.”
Keep the peace. Keep it light. Pretend everyone gets along because… “we’re family.”

Right. And I’m the Tooth Fairy.

Here’s what never makes a decorative pillow:
Families are wonderful, messy, loving, infuriating bundles of history and triggers.
Being around them can turn even the most therapized adult into their 10-year-old self in three seconds flat.

You spend years individuating — building a life based on your values — and then you reunite with family and suddenly Dad’s cigar and Uncle Oscar’s fourth-martini politics trigger a suffocated rage you’d forgotten you’d ever felt.

Family gatherings are stressful for plenty of reasons, but here’s one of the biggest ones:
They drop us right back into the places where we once had zero power.
That’s why it may be worthwhile for you to think of boundaries as survival skills for family gatherings.

News Flash! Requests ≠ Boundaries!

We’re socialized to be nice, and to make polite requests:

“Please don’t bring up politics.”
“Maybe cut back on the alcohol?”
“Can you smoke outside?”

Requests keep the peace in the moment but accomplish very little, because you’re asking someone to stop doing something they’ve been doing for a very long time. Not happening — not because they don’t love you, but because this is who they are. So let’s have a look at what an actual boundary looks like:

Request: “Please stop raising your voice.”
Boundary: “If you raise your voice, I’m stepping away.”

One depends on their cooperation.
The other depends on your spine.

Boundaries don’t control the room. They clarify you — your choices, your comfort, your plan.

Boundary Buffet: Help Yourself!
Instead of:
“Would you please be careful about how much you drink this year?”
Try:
“If things get rowdy, I’m leaving early.”
Instead of:
“Please don’t smoke that cigar.”
Try:
“If there’s smoking indoors, I’ll be outside.”
Instead of:
“Maybe skip the weed at dinner?”
Try:
“If substances come out, I’m out.”
Instead of:
“Let’s avoid politics.”
Try:
“If politics come up, I’ll change the subject or step out.”

Boundaries Aren’t About Them. They’re About You.

If you’re like most of us, it’s uncomfortable to ask someone to do something that will help us enjoy a family event. Try thinking of it this way:
You’re not controlling others. You’re letting people know how you’ll take care of yourself when certain “family specials” pop up.

Even if you did want to change their behaviors, they’re the only ones who can make that change. So, it can be helpful to reframe the idea of setting a boundary from being about someone else’s behaviors to being about our own – our actions, our limits, and what we’re willing to participate in.

Put another way: You’re not telling people what to do — you’re telling people what you will do.

That’s it. No threats. No ultimatums. Just clarity.

Hosts, Guests — It Doesn’t Matter

Whether dinner is at your place or someone else’s, your boundaries belong to you.

You don’t need permission.
You don’t need consensus.
You don’t need the family vote.

And here’s the kicker: setting boundaries may have consequences. You might not get invited to your nephew’s birthday party. You might miss Uncle Vito heading to the kids’ table to demonstrate his ability to burp the alphabet in one heroic, horrifying go.

But that’s the point: you choose what you endure — or don’t.

The Bottom Line

You cannot fix your family. It’s not your job.
Your job is to take care of yourself in the beautiful, chaotic circus you were born into.

Boundaries make that possible.
They protect your peace.
They create space for real connection — the honest, grounded, sustainable kind.

Everything else is optional.

6 Things You Have to Do If You’re in a Polyamorous Relationship

Polyamory isn’t a free-for-all. It runs on honesty, emotional intelligence, and calendars. When it works, it’s expansive, connective, and healing. When it breaks down, it’s usually because someone skipped one of these:

Communicate Until It’s Boring

More people = more chances for misalignment. “Good communication” doesn’t just mean talking a lot — it means being assertive (even when it’s hard) and attuned (especially when it’s hard). That means sharing what’s real for you — whether you’re in love, in lust, or in pain — and tuning in to your partners’ feelings, not just their words.

Define What Counts as Cheating

Open ≠ poly ≠ monogamish. One partner might think hooking up with someone new is no big deal — the other might call it betrayal. Just because you’re non-monogamous doesn’t mean you’re on the same page. Spell out what’s in bounds, what’s out, and what happens if someone crosses the line.
And be specific: for some, sex without emotional connection is fine — but emotional intimacy with someone else might feel like a breach. Others are the opposite. Clarify it. Early and often.

Own Your Jealousy Without Blame

Jealousy isn’t a flaw — it’s information. It might signal a need for reassurance, a broken agreement, or an old wound asking for care. Don’t shame it. Don’t weaponize it. Instead, get curious: What story is being told? What story is being heard?
Handled with honesty and explored with curiosity, jealousy can bring the kind of clarity, communication, and closeness that make relationships better.

Bow to the Calendar Gods

Yes, everyone has a calendar — but in poly, your calendar becomes a living, breathing statement of values. Time is one of the clearest ways we express love, prioritize connection, and build trust. If you’re not thoughtful about how time is shared, someone’s going to feel like leftovers. Scheduling also protects solo time, prevents burnout, and avoids last-minute emotional landmines. Good calendaring isn’t overkill — it’s part of how consent and consideration show up in daily life.

Do Your Inner Work

Poly can bring up your “stuff”: insecurity, fear of abandonment, people-pleasing, control. Even if you think you’re immune, you’re probably not. If you don’t tend to your emotional backpack, you’ll end up handing it to someone else — probably a partner you care about. Do your work. Therapy helps. Journaling helps. Honest conversations with yourself help. Don’t outsource your healing to the people you’re dating.

Power Without Awareness Is Just Pressure

Whether or not you’re into kink, polyamory often echoes power dynamics — who initiates, who decides, who leads. Too often, one partner (usually the more experienced or confident one) sets the pace while another quietly tries to keep up. Especially in D/s or top/bottom dynamics, this can get messy fast. Just because someone says yes doesn’t mean they’re not overextending themselves to stay close.
If your desire feels like a freight train, check who’s on the tracks. A “yes” is good — but an enthusiastic, informed yes with real buy-in? That’s where the magic happens.

Want your poly relationships to thrive?

Then go beyond rules and roles. Speak up. Listen close. Let communication and calendars build trust. Define your lines — and respect them. Let jealousy teach you something useful. Do your own work so your partners don’t have to carry it.

And if you’re holding power, use it with care. Because the point isn’t just freedom.
It’s depth. It’s joy. It’s connection — chosen, earned, and real.

Happiness Hacks

You may have heard of the chemicals in the brain that impact how we feel. There are several, but the ones that may help you hack happiness are dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. Each of them impacts how you feel in different ways.

Oxytocin triggers feelings of love and protection, such as when parents and children look into one another’s eyes or when they embrace. Other relationship-enhancing effects include empathy and trust.

Dopamine is responsible for allowing you to feel pleasure, satisfaction and motivation. When you feel good that you have achieved something, it’s because you have a surge of dopamine in the brain.

Serotonin helps regulate your mood naturally. When your serotonin levels are at a normal level, you should feel more focused, emotionally stable, happier, and calmer.

Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body. For example, the feeling that follows a run or workout is often described as “euphoric,” overpowering the pain of the workout. That feeling, known as a “runner’s high,” can be accompanied by a positive and energizing outlook on life.

Think of these hacks as shortcuts to happiness. Enjoy feeling good!

PS: If you’d like to download a printable .pdf of the graphic, click here.

Category: Self-Care

Here’s a Crazy Idea: Have a Good Time

Sometimes the Way Back Is Not Through “Deep Work”

Laughter Is Not Frivolous — It’s Functional