When your partner says that thing in that tone—and you feel the urge to shut down, snap, or launch a well-rehearsed monologue—there’s one move that can change everything: curiosity.
Curiosity in conflict is a game changer. It slows down reactivity. It invites understanding. And it builds connection right where disconnection usually takes root. Asking yourself questions like “What just triggered me?” or “What’s really going on here?” doesn’t just buy you time—it quiets the amygdala and activates your prefrontal cortex. That’s not just insight. That’s neuroscience.
And when that same curiosity is directed toward your partner? It’s magic. Real listening—listening without mentally drafting your comeback—signals safety, empathy, and emotional availability. It creates the kind of bond that no amount of “I love you” can fake.
According to a recent article in National Geographic, this goes far beyond relationships. People who experience regular states of interest—curiosity in action—report greater life satisfaction, more positive emotion, lower anxiety, and stronger relationships. They even laugh more. (Turns out we laugh 30 times more when we’re with others than when we’re alone. Why? Because laughter, like curiosity, is social glue.)
Curiosity isn’t just a nice-to-have. It’s a practice. And in your most reactive moments, it might be the most powerful one you’ve got.
In my office, I see a lot of couples who love each other—but can’t stop fighting. And couples who’ve stopped fighting because they’ve shut down emotionally. Sound familiar?
It’s easy to think conflict is about personality differences. But honestly? Much of what we struggle with in relationships is baked into human nature—the same wiring that drives large-scale conflict, division, and tribalism.
Ancient Wiring, Modern Fights
We live in a loud, angry, divided world. Everyone’s shouting, no one’s listening, and we’ve all retreated into our camps—online and off.
The same instincts show up in our intimate relationships. Minor disagreements can trigger ancient systems that read conflict as danger, invoking the “fight or flight” response. That’s why a small argument—about tone, timing, or whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher—can feel like a threat, and turn you into something less than the best version of yourself.
Rodney King Was Right to Ask
In 1992, Rodney King—bruised and humiliated—stood in front of a microphone and asked, “Can we all get along?”
A reasonable question. But history—and therapy rooms—suggest the answer is often no.
And here’s why: our brains have evolved to scan for danger and label difference. That wiring helped us survive. But it also fuels conflict at every level—global, social, and personal.
Fear is Louder Than Empathy
When we face loss, change, scarcity, or inequality, we don’t instinctively reach for connection. We reach for control. For blame. For distance. And yes, that’s true whether we’re talking about geopolitics… or who left the door unlocked.
Even when we say “forgive and forget,” we rarely do either. Wounds don’t vanish just because a new day starts. And so we begin the next day a little more guarded, a little less open—trying to protect ourselves with control. But in relationships, reactive or defensive control blocks connection.
It’s easier to defend than to ask, “What am I missing here?” It’s easier to shut down than to risk being misunderstood again.
So no, we haven’t learned to get along—not as a species, and not always in our partnerships.
But speaking of evolution, we rose to the top of the food chain because of opposable thumbs and our ability to think and change our behavior. We can choose to show up differently.
What You Can Actually Do About It
Start small:
Listen more than you talk.
Get curious instead of defensive.
Validate what you don’t yet understand.
Try something new in how you show up—even if it doesn’t come naturally.
We don’t need easier. We need better. And better starts with us.
If you’re wondering how to make your world less hostile, less lonely, less divided—start with the people right in front of you.
That includes empathy and boundaries. Love without boundaries burns out. Boundaries without love isolate.
We need both. And it starts with us.
PS: If you’re trying to raise children with skills around empathy, boundaries, and compassion, you may find information in the video I made for Authority Magazine useful.
I was talking with a friend the other day, and he was wondering out loud: Why do women so often say men don’t understand them? It struck me as a fair question. I get a lot of business due to couples having problems communicating with – understanding – each other. No matter how we define or construe gender, there always seem to be misunderstandings.
In popular culture—and often in my therapy office—men are frequently framed as emotionally out of touch. Unwilling, or maybe unable, to engage with nuance. It’s a stereotype, sure, but one that resonates with many people’s lived experiences.
As the conversation continued, my friend shifted gears. He talked about how society seems to be cheering for women in ways that feel visible and celebrated—more women in college, more women starting businesses, more women in leadership. And he’s right: there’s real movement happening.
But alongside that progress, he said, men’s struggles often feel minimized or ignored. That left him—and maybe others—feeling unsure of their place. Like they’re showing up, doing the work, but no one’s really noticing.
Then he said something that gave me pause:“Women don’t seem to understand that men want respect and admiration.”In contrast, he felt women often want to feel emotionally understood.
That idea—respect vs. understanding—may not be universal, but itisfamiliar. And while research suggests there are some gendered trends in emotional needs, the bigger truth is this: we’re all shaped by more than our gender. Culture, upbringing, life experience—all of it influences how we show up in relationships.
Still, I don’t think my friend was trying to win an argument. I think he was trying to name something he hadn’t quite said out loud before.
In a culture that increasingly centers women’s voices and progress, some men feel unseen, unneeded, or emotionally irrelevant. Women, in seeking emotional understanding, may overlook that men often experience love not through emotional decoding but through expressions of respect, trust, and admiration. The communication gap isn’t just between two people—it’s between two social narratives.
And when those narratives collide—when one partner is seeking emotional resonance and the other is longing to feel respected—we get tension, disconnection, and the all-too-familiar “You don’t get me” loop.
But here’s the good news: understanding and respect aren’t mutually exclusive. They’re just different doors to the same room. Relationships thrive when we stop assuming the other person should love like we do, and instead get curious about what love looks like to them.
So I turned to my friend after we’d had this conversation and told him I respect where he’s coming from. I said I hoped he was feeling seen and heard in his relationship—and then I asked if he felt respected. If he felt like the people in his life really got him.
Sure enough, he said no. He felt misunderstood. Maybe underappreciated for all the work he does. I validated that—because it’s real.
And then I asked the payoff question: “What would you like to do about it?”
As he started to talk about the changes he might make, I thought to myself, Be careful what you wish for. And then I wished him well.
If we can stay curious about each other, we’ve got a shot at getting it right.
When someone begins the journey of healing, it’s often because past pain has started to echo into their present—especially in their closest relationships.
I know this firsthand.
After surviving childhood abuse, I struggled for years to feel truly safe with anyone.
Even when I found someone kind and patient, I couldn’t let my guard down.
Everything felt like a potential threat—an argument, a misunderstood text, even a surprise hug.
Trauma has a way of making your nervous system feel like it’s constantly on red alert, even when there’s no real danger anymore.
That’s the hard truth: trauma changes how we connect with others.
It interrupts our ability to trust, to be vulnerable, and to feel secure in love.
And these effects don’t go away just because we’ve found the “right” person.
If this sounds familiar, working with the right therapist – a therapist trained and experienced in the ways trauma impacts relationships – can make a world of difference.
They help untangle the past from the present, so love doesn’t always feel like a battlefield.
Trauma and the Body: Why Safety Comes First
Before we even think about love, the body wants to feel safe.
But trauma—especially developmental trauma—rewires our brain and nervous system.
It’s like driving a car with the brakes stuck on.
You want to move forward, but something’s always holding you back.
This internal braking system shows up in relationships as shutdowns, dissociation, and withdrawal.
Or, on the flip side, it can look like panic, rage, and hypervigilance.
These reactions aren’t choices—they’re survival strategies.
If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I don’t know why I reacted like that”, you’re not alone.
The truth is, your body probably responded before your brain even had time to catch up.
That’s why somatic approaches in therapy are often crucial.
A good trauma-informed therapist will focus on restoring regulation—helping the body relearn what calm and connection feel like.
Because love can’t thrive where safety is missing.
The Invisible Impact on Communication
One of the most subtle ways trauma affects relationships is in how we speak and listen.
I used to assume people were mad at me even when they weren’t.
A neutral tone of voice? I’d hear judgment.
A pause in conversation? I’d assume rejection.
Trauma primes us to expect harm, even when there’s none.
This makes honest communication incredibly difficult.
We either silence ourselves to avoid conflict, or we speak from a place of defense.
That’s why so many trauma survivors feel misunderstood or isolated—even in long-term relationships.
Therapists trained in trauma recovery often use attachment-based methods to repair this.
They assist clients in identifying triggers and provide tools to respond rather than react.
Over time, that rewiring builds emotional resilience—and relationships that can weather conflict instead of collapsing under it.
Intimacy Triggers: When Touch Isn’t Comforting
For many trauma survivors, physical touch—something that should be soothing—can become complicated.
This is especially true if the trauma involved the body or boundaries being violated.
Even something as simple as cuddling can feel threatening.
I once dated someone who couldn’t understand why I froze every time he touched my back unexpectedly.
It wasn’t about him—it was about memories my body hadn’t let go of.
This is where trauma-informed couples therapy can help both partners.
It creates a language around triggers, so there’s less shame and confusion.
You learn to ask for what you need, whether it’s slower pacing, more verbal reassurance, or clear physical boundaries.
And in doing that, you reclaim agency over your own body.
You redefine what safety feels like—on your terms.
Why Relationships Often Feel “Too Much” or “Not Enough”
One common pattern I’ve seen—and lived—is the cycle of pushing people away just when they get close.
You crave intimacy but panic when it shows up.
Or you feel nothing when someone finally gives you the love you wanted.
This push-pull dynamic is often rooted in attachment wounds.
If your early relationships taught you that love equals danger, then closeness becomes confusing.
Healing this isn’t about just “thinking positively.”
It takes repeated, safe relational experiences—often beginning in the therapy room.
A skilled trauma recovery specialist will model the kind of consistent, nonjudgmental presence that helps reset your attachment system.
From there, you learn how to tolerate closeness without feeling overwhelmed.
And slowly, connection starts to feel possible again.
Real-Life Healing Is Messy—But Worth It
I won’t sugarcoat it.
Healing from trauma is uncomfortable, especially when it touches your romantic life.
It brings up grief for the versions of love you didn’t get.
It forces you to confront old beliefs like “I’m too much” or “I’m unlovable.”
But it also opens the door to new possibilities.
I’ve seen people go from being emotionally shut down to laughing freely with a partner.
I’ve watched someone who thought they could “never trust again” walk down the aisle.
That kind of growth doesn’t happen overnight.
But with the right guidance, it’s absolutely possible.
The Role of a Therapist in Relationship Healing
A trauma recovery therapist does more than just talk through your past.
They guide you in real-time through the relational patterns that are playing out today.
They notice when you shut down, help you unpack why, and offer new ways of relating that feel safer.
They don’t just analyze—they attune.
They provide a reparative relationship that lays the foundation for healthier ones outside the therapy room.
And if you’re partnered, they can help your loved one understand what trauma does to the brain, body, and heart.
That kind of education builds empathy—and empathy builds intimacy.
Healing Isn’t Linear, But It’s Possible
You might still have days where love feels unsafe.
Where trust feels fragile and your instincts tell you to retreat.
That’s normal.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone who’s “never triggered.”
It’s about learning how to stay present when you are.
It’s about knowing that you’re more than your trauma—and that your relationships can reflect that too.
If you have trauma in your history, know that your past is very likely impacting your present, and not in a good way. Working with a therapist that understands the impact of trauma on relationships has helped countless people move from survival mode into connection.
And you deserve that kind of love—safe, honest, and rooted in your healing.
Steven Kilmann, LMFT, MD, began his career in medicine after studying psychology at the University of Michigan and earning his medical degree from USC, ultimately serving over a decade as a physician at Cedars-Sinai. After facing burnout and addiction during a creative pivot, his journey through recovery led him to his true purpose—supporting others as a licensed therapist with a Master’s in Psychology from Antioch University.
A friend recently asked me to revisit a blog post I wrote called Relationships and Power. His takeaway?
“Everything in life is a negotiation.”
He’s not wrong—relational dynamics do involve give and take. But he went further, suggesting that couples should approach negotiations from a clear-headed, unemotional place to achieve outcomes that are fair to both partners.
I respect the intent. But I think there are a couple of problems with this idea when applied to intimate relationships.
First, the word “negotiation” carries baggage. It suggests tactics, strategy, maybe even a little manipulation. But when it comes to intimacy, we’re not aiming for leverage—we’re aiming for closeness. Vulnerability. Trust. Trying to “win” with your partner is a great way to lose the relationship.
Second, there’s an often-unspoken assumption baked into the negotiation model: that both partners are equal. Equal in voice, in privilege, in power. But life—and relationships—aren’t always that balanced. Power often follows privilege: money, time, gender roles, emotional availability. And when one partner has more of those resources, guess who usually wins the “negotiation”? (Hint: not the one doing the laundry.)
Which brings me to another issue: all too often, the person who cares most about a task ends up doing it—by default, not by discussion. According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, in marriages where both spouses earn about the same, women still spend significantly more time on caregiving and housework. And when no one’s talking about it, resentment builds quietly—until it doesn’t.
So yes, there is a place for negotiation in relationships. Someone has to figure out who’s putting the kids to bed, who’s paying the bills, who’s folding the towels (or pretending to fold them until someone else refolds them correctly).
But here’s the thing: negotiate like partners, not opponents. In business, a good negotiation ends in profit. In a relationship, a “win” often means someone loses trust or intimacy.
Try this instead:
✅ Talk it out—even when it’s uncomfortable
❌ Don’t hide from conflict or assume your partner “should just know”
✅ Be transparent and curious about what each of you needs
In therapy, I often hear frustration from people who feel their partner is overly controlling or stifling, preventing them from being their true selves. Lately, the buzzword seems to be “narcissist,” but relationship dynamics are rarely that simple.
Healthy relationships rely on mutual respect and balance. Many of us unknowingly carry patterns from our families into romantic relationships. Perhaps we learned that love comes from being quiet, compliant, or pleasing. Or maybe the only way to gain attention was to dominate and control. Both roles carry significant risks.
If you’re consistently compliant and pleasing, you’ll eventually feel invisible and resentful. Even dedicated people-pleasers reach a breaking point of exhaustion. Conversely, always trying to control outcomes leaves you frustrated and disappointed, because life—and partners—rarely align perfectly with expectations.
Power dynamics in relationships are often subtle and unspoken, marked by quiet manipulations—what I call “the iron fist in the velvet glove.” Many individuals fear pushing back or speaking up, believing it might risk their relationship. Yet, suppressing your voice long-term inevitably leads to resentment, tension, and mistrust.
Power exchanges can be healthy if openly discussed and consensual, with both partners feeling genuinely valued. Regardless of the dynamic, mutual appreciation and authenticity are essential.
There’s no single formula for a perfect relationship; each one is uniquely shaped by the individuals involved. However, relationships fail when only one partner is truly seen and heard.
If you habitually defer, start advocating for yourself in small ways—express your preferences, set boundaries, and speak honestly. Though initially uncomfortable, these actions can greatly strengthen your sense of self and the relationship itself.
Conversely, if controlling outcomes leaves you exhausted, consider stepping back and letting go of expectations. The relief you feel might surprise you.
As Abraham Lincoln famously said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Relationships, too, depend on unity, authenticity, and mutual respect to thrive.
Life can feel like an endless to-do list. Between errands, chasing kids around, demanding work schedules, and maintaining a household, it’s easy to let your relationship take a backseat. Date nights might occasionally break up the routine, but lasting relationships require something deeper—a long-term glue that holds you together beyond just the next evening out.
What if that glue is your shared dreams?
Think about the memorable movie “Up,” where the dream of a trip to Paradise Falls becomes a symbol of love and adventure. Just like that sweet fictional couple, each of you probably has dreams or aspirations you’ve quietly tucked away, waiting for “the right time.” But here’s the secret: the right time is now.
When you carve out intentional moments to sit down together—without distractions, screens off, favorite beverages in hand—you can discover incredible insights into your partner’s hopes and aspirations. Conversations about your five-year or ten-year visions, even retirement dreams, can open doors to deeper connection and understanding.
When you dream together, you build a life that’s richer and more fulfilling than either of you could achieve alone. A strong “we” is almost always greater than “me.”
Pro Tip! Four Ways to Support Each Other’s Dreams:
Financially: Support your partner’s dreams by planning and managing resources together.
Emotionally: Be encouraging during their successes and a steady presence through challenges.
Logistically: Help manage daily responsibilities, giving your partner space to focus on their goals.
By Participating: Join your partner in their passions, creating memorable, shared experiences that strengthen your bond.
Your relationship thrives when you intentionally dream together and actively support each other’s journeys.
I’ve been working with couples who have weathered deep, painful conflicts and are trying to rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy. The wounds have been treated, but they’re still tender. They want to reconnect but find themselves hesitant—after so much tension and pain, it’s hard to open up again, to be vulnerable.
One of the most overlooked yet powerful ways to reconnect? Make a commitment to spend intentional time together—BEING with each other and DOING things together.
Many couples don’t drift apart because of a single crisis, but because they stop prioritizing their relationship in the daily grind. Work, kids, responsibilities—they all demand attention, and without realizing it, partners start living parallel lives instead of intertwined ones. Quality time gets reduced to zoning out in front of a screen. And while “Netflix and chill” has its place, passive time together does not build connection.
What sorts of things will build intimacy and closeness for you and yours? That depends on what you’re comfortable with—but playing it too safe is a mistake. Let loose, take some risks, and try any of these suggestions—or come up with your own!
🔥 Make sparks fly—literally. Grab a Wint-O-Green Life Saver, turn off the lights, and bite down together to see the flash. It’s science and magic.
🎶 Dance in the kitchen. Whether you’ve got rhythm or not, turn up a song you both love and move together while cooking or cleaning. A spontaneous dip or twirl earns bonus points.
🎨 Finger paint…on each other. Let go of expectations and just have fun making a mess. Who knows? You might discover a hidden artistic talent.
🍷 Wine tasting. Whiskey tasting. Beer tasting. You get the idea. Share the experience using all five senses (flavors, the textures, etc.) Bonus points for mentioning the memories they evoke.
🌊 Water balloon toss—indoors or out. Fill a balloon with just a little water and see how long you can toss it without popping. Outside, all bets are off.
🖐️ Clay challenge. Grab some air-dry clay and sculpt something for each other—a goofy animal, a meaningful symbol, or just whatever makes you both laugh. If that’s too much, pick up some Play-Doh and create something magical.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s presence. It’s engagement. It’s connection.
Intimacy and closeness don’t happen without commitment. If you want to feel close again, you have to show up for each other—physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you start smiling together again, if you find laughter in the little things—you’re on your way to healing.
Last week in my office, a husband sat across from me, clearly frustrated and agitated. His words came out fast and loud. “What can I say to get her to listen?” he asked, exasperated.
But here was the problem: his wife, sitting just a few feet away, was trying to listen. In fact, she’d been trying to speak for several minutes, but his rapid-fire interruptions kept cutting her off. I could see her shutting down, overwhelmed by the verbal onslaught.
After several attempts to slow him down, I raised my voice. “LISTEN TO HER.”
That got his attention. He stopped, giving his wife space to express her thoughts. The dynamic shifted.
This situation plays out in relationships all the time. One person feels unheard and ramps up their efforts to communicate. The other person, feeling overwhelmed, retreats or disengages. It’s a vicious cycle. And while the urge to demand attention is natural, it often has the opposite effect – it drowns the other person out.
What Can We Do Differently?
Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert known for his decades of research, offers practical tools for managing conflict and communication. If you find yourself asking why your partner isn’t listening, he suggests asking yourself this: Are you listening to them?
Accept your partner’s influence by creating space for their feelings and desires. When you dominate the conversation, the message your partner hears is “my way or the highway.” Nothing good comes from that.
Not every issue in a relationship can be neatly solved. People who are successful in relationships understand that keeping an open dialogue prevents small issues from becoming bigger ones.
Pro Tip: Pay Attention to Yourself.
When conversations heat up, it’s easy to become emotionally overwhelmed. Your heart races, your muscles tense, and suddenly you’re in fight-or-flight mode. If you don’t recognize your emotional state, your brain shifts into survival gear.
In those moments, take a break. Step away for 20-30 minutes, do something calming, and return when you’re ready to engage without defensiveness.
Start Softly
When you come back to the conversation, Start Softly. Begin difficult conversations with a gentle approach. Use “I” statements to express needs, like “I’m frustrated because I’m doing as much as I can, and it never seems like it’s enough. I need you to acknowledge that I’m trying.”
The cartoon that inspired this blog might be a little bit over the top. Even so, it’s a complaint I’ve listened to many times:
WHY WON’T SHE JUST LISTEN?
The irony is clear. The louder he shouts, the less he’s heard. The answer might not lie in talking more or “saying the right thing.” Often, it begins with listening – really listening – to the person sitting across from us.
Next time you feel unheard, pause. Ask yourself if you’re making space for your partner to speak. The shift may start with you.
The other day, I heard about a woman in a therapist group who was struggling with loneliness as an “empty nester.” She wanted to build friendships and perhaps find a romantic partner, but despite her efforts to engage in groups and host events, she found that people didn’t seem to connect with her. She described her past friendships as “one-sided” and “surface level.”
Her frustration was clear. She was always the one initiating conversations and keeping things going. When she stopped trying, the friendships faded away. She was looking for people who were willing to invest in the relationship as much as she was.
Her question was simple: How do people find meaningful connections anymore?
There were plenty of suggestions—be more intentional about the types of people you want to be around, spend time at farmers’ markets, museums, or the gym, and try social apps like Meetup.com.
These are all good ideas, but there’s a bigger issue that didn’t come up: maintaining a circle of friends requires effort. It would be wonderful if friendships maintained themselves effortlessly, but in our busy, distracted world, that’s rarely the case. The woman’s experience might have less to do with her and more to do with the fast-paced, over-committed lifestyles we all lead.
Blame the Internet and information overload, blame work culture, globalization, competition, and economic pressures—we’re all overwhelmed. When the couch is so comfortable and screen-scrolling is just a flick away, it’s easy to let friendships slip.
Sure, she wants to be pursued in her friendships—don’t we all? But sometimes, when we’re tired and need our privacy, even the idea of maintaining a connection can feel exhausting.
Let’s face it: making and keeping friends as adults takes more effort. When we were younger, friendships formed naturally because we saw the same people every day at school. Now, as adults, we move around, and staying connected requires deliberate action.
So, what’s the solution? It seems we need a friendship formula. Interestingly enough, I found a pretty good one dating back to the early 1600s. In Act 1, Scene 3 of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Polonius gives some timeless advice.
Let’s take inspiration from Shakespeare and keep nurturing our connections.
There, my blessing with thee.
And these few precepts in thy memory Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportioned thought his act. Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel, But do not dull thy palm with entertainment Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. Beware Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in, Bear ’t that th’ opposèd may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear but few thy voice.
Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment. Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, But not expressed in fancy—rich, not gaudy, For the apparel oft proclaims the man, And they in France of the best rank and station Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be, For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Conflict Isn’t Just Personal—It’s Primal
