The Small Moments That Teach People Whether They Matter

Leadership coach Lee Povey recently wrote a thoughtful piece about workplace culture that immediately made me think about relationships.

One line especially stood out to me: connection is built through the small, repeated interactions that signal whether people matter.

That’s true at work.
That’s true in marriages.
That’s true in families.
That’s true everywhere human beings try to connect.

The Myth of the Grand Romantic Gesture

He’s contradicting the conventional wisdom we’ve absorbed from popular culture: that great relationships are built on great moments.

Sure, there are a few beautiful movies about ordinary devotion and long marriages. But those films rarely dominate Valentine’s Day culture. Instead, we get much more exposure to tropes like:

  • John Cusack standing outside a window with a boombox in Say Anything.
  • Tom Cruise bursting into the room with “You complete me” in Jerry Maguire.
  • Ryan Gosling rebuilding the dream house in The Notebook.

And look, I get it. Those scenes work because they tap into something real. Human beings do want to feel chosen, pursued, valued, and seen.

But the incredible emotional moments depicted in those scenes fade when the credits roll.

Real relationships keep going Tuesday morning when someone is distracted, irritable, exhausted, scrolling their phone, and only half listening. At breakfast. Or in the boardroom.

Attention Is the Real Currency

Povey points out that no amount of motivational speeches or catered lunches will make employees feel valued if every ordinary interaction tells them they are interruptions instead of people.

He’s saying employees know it when:

  • A manager listens.
  • Someone follows up.
  • People are respected in meetings.

We’ve all sat in meetings — Zooms and in-person alike — where someone is officially participating while clearly answering email, checking messages, or mentally somewhere else. You can see their eyes darting around the screen while their shoulders give away the email they’re answering just below the camera line. The faux engagement makes the whole meeting feel like a mandated waste of time.

But given how often I work with people whose success in business is matched only by the intensity of the Cold War politics at home, it seems many of us bring these behaviors home, scrolling through our phone while our partner is talking.

The irony is that we want deep connection while offering fragmented attention.

Enter the Gottmans

The Gottmans — researchers well known for studying long-term relationship success — often summarize healthy connection with a simple phrase: “small things often.”

Here’s what that means, in the language of my high school wrestling coach: “Is all you do is…”

  • Put the phone down.
  • Look them in the eye.
  • Soften your tone.
  • Check back on something they mentioned before.
  • Give them a hug.
  • Listen without immediately trying to fix everything.

Individually, these moments don’t sound like much. But both Gottman research and my own experience in the therapy office say otherwise.

Your partner can feel when they are competing with your phone.
Your children can feel when you are half-present.
Your coworkers can feel when you’re waiting to talk instead of listening.

Leave People Better Than You Found Them

Another part of Povey’s article that I appreciated was his personal standard: “Leave people better than you found them.”

That’s powerful in leadership. It’s even more powerful in intimate relationships.

Imagine approaching your relationship that way.

Not perfectly. Not performatively. Not with fake positivity. Just intentionally.

What if all you did was consistently focus your attention so that when a conversation ends, your partner feels more understood? Maybe calmer. Maybe encouraged. Maybe challenged, but respected.

Maybe you simply make sure they know they matter to you.

But What About Meeeeee?

Yes, all this is fine and good — attend to your partner and whatnot — but at some point you also have to advocate for yourself.

When do you get to say it’s their turn to do the dishes? When do you get to say that Aunt Betty’s feelings are still hurt from the way your beloved spoke to her last time she visited?

Nothing here should be taken to mean you avoid the tough topics, the difficult conversations. It just means being thoughtful in how you have them.

The Gottmans recommend using a “softened startup.” They say this because their research has shown that the biggest predictor of how a conversation ends is how it started. In practice, this means: say what you need to say, but say it nicely. And by nicely, I mean without contempt, humiliation, or aggression.

If you’re not sure how to do that, look up “I statements” in your favorite internet browser.

Culture Change: The Secret Ingredient

However we interact with others, over time those repeated interactions become culture.

That’s true in workplaces.
That’s true in families.
That’s true in marriages.
That’s true in friendships.

Which means something important: Every one of us has more power than we think.

No, I’m not the therapist telling you that you can change others, or somehow magically create a perfect relationship.

I’m saying that we can consistently bring something better into the spaces we occupy.

More attention.
More steadiness.
More kindness.
More honesty.
More presence.
More respect.

And when we bring those things consistently enough, culture changes:

Better stops being exceptional. Better becomes ordinary.

The secret ingredient? It’s you.